Someone tried to enter our flat

On Sunday night, around midnight while Daddy and I were busy on our laptops, we heard this loud noise from our door. It sounded like someone was opening the door with a key. Daddy and I were startled so we both got up. When Daddy Don got to the door, it was already opened and there was this white guy standing in front of Daddy. Daddy asked what he wanted, but the guy instead apologized to him as he apparently entered the wrong door. Then the guy went down the stairs and was on his phone. He was telling the person on the other line that he told him the wrong flat and that he should go down and apologize to the "chinese" guy. He was in front of our building for more or less than 10 minutes.

We were both wondering why he had to say that to the guy. And if he really wanted to steal something then he should have ran off and not hung around in our neighbourhood. Maybe he was honest when he said that he entered the wrong flat, but why does he have our key?

Because Daddy and I were not sure what his intention was, we had to call the police. They came a few minutes later to investigate. They told us they would treat it as a crime as there was breaking and enetering.

So today, they changed our lock and I am hoping that this incident will never happen again.

I hope you're okay up there anak. Tomorrow is the 1st of August and soon enough it will be your first angel birthday.

Oh, how I miss you so much. Please know that I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Nobody Knows

I have been thinking about you since I woke up this morning. I went for a run and there was this woman I was trying to compete with. I thought she was slower than me. When I was running beside her, your song "Lighters" came on and that put a smile on my face. Could you be telling me that I could do better than that woman? So anyway, I ran as fast as I could, smiling while listening to your song and I managed to run a few meters ahead of her. I thought that was a very good encouragement from you. I slowed down eventually because I wanted to finish your song before I get to the park gym, so she went past me. But it was okay, I thought it was a fair play. Thank you for that my "lighter" boy. You make everything seem so easy sometimes.

Well after that, the song Nobody Knows by Tony Rich Project got stuck in my head for some reason. I know I have mentioned this song to you before but I thought I'd share it with you again as this is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. It is obviously not written for angels like you, but I kind of like the lyrics.

I pretended I'm glad you went away

These four walls closing more everyday

And I'm dyin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show

The pain is real even if nobody knows

And I'm cryin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away

Now my world is just a tumblin' down

I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody know it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two

And I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three

I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me

Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still
The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Sometimes it's really difficult to tell anybody about how I feel. Some people may find it tedious to hear my stories about you over and over again, but I'm sure they don't know how it's like to lose a beautiful son. Your passing may have been a gift though, in such a way that I have become more compassionate and more willing to listen to other people. I don't know but I feel like I was given something that I never had before, and that's all because of you.

Please don't forget that you're always in my mind. I miss you more each day. I love you Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

The dreaded question

I met an old-ish lady today and we were talking about my trip to Italy. Somehow I mentioned that I went there with my husband and that's when she asked, "have you got children?". It took me few minutes to answer because I didn't know what to say to her. i hesitantly said, "I had, but lost him early this year". She was sorry to her that, but then she went on further as to what took you away. I told her the truth and explained to her what happened. She went really quiet and I thought I saw tears in her eyes, but I ignored it as I didn't want to cry. She asked if I would have any children of my own because I told her you were adopted. I said I would love to have children, but not quite. 

People have told me to start having children of my own after you left. But I find it insensitive. Perhaps people think that it will make me feel better. What they don't realize is that they asking me to replace you. I know that's probably not what they mean, but that's how I understand it. And worse this is sometimes, they have the tendency to disregard you as my son because I adopted you. I really don't understand that at all. Adopted or not, you were my son. End of.

Perhaps it's unavoidable to be asked if I had any children and I mean, it's okay. It's just that I always find hard to find the right words to say. I hope one day I'll find a better way to answer people when they ask that dreaded question.

I thought about you most of the day anak. I am missing you so much. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

6 months today

It's been that long since you left us, and it has been quite a long journey for me, Mama, Papa, Inang and Tatang. I don't know how we live through each day without you, but we manage somehow.

Things are definitely better. We can now talk about you with lighter hearts. I have not asked "why" in a while, and have stopped looking for reasons why God has taken you. 

In the last six months, there have been a lot of hidden messages that we have discovered- in your drawings and in our dreams. I was hoping that through interpreting these, we would at least be able to find out more about you and any message that you wanted to convey to us.

I have not yet been to the Compassionate Friends meeting, although I have always wanted to try and see what help they can give me. It has been difficult to find time as it's every first Tuesday of the month I think and most of the time, I have been working or going back to Bristol to work.

I am also still in the process of looking into ways on how I can put up a foundation in your name. This is obviously a difficult task and it will take me a long time to put into place, so for the meantime, I am looking for a charity to support. I think I may have told you before that Daddy and I are planning to run the Paris to Versailles marathon in September and we both would like to run for a cause. At the moment there are few charities that we want to work with, however I don't know how to ask for sponsorship as I don't want to be taking cash from people. So, I'm still also working on that. 

In other news, the had a small celebration for Tatang's birthday today. His birthday is not until tomorrow, but because Inang and Mama will be busy, they had to do it today. And it's your 6th month in heaven, so perhaps it's a good thing. Oh and by the way, Inang told me that she couldn't sleep the other night because she was thinking about you. She said she thinks about you all the time, but she always tries not to cry and I think she is doing a great job. Mama on the other hand is still finding it difficult to move on I think. But I'm sure in time, she will be able to accept things wholeheartedly.

Ah, I may have dreamed about you last night because I remember calling out for you so I could show you something, but I can't remember the dream at all. I know you will visit me again soon and I can't wait.

For now, I hope you're having fun in heaven and that you're thinking about us too. You are missed on earth young boy. We love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's ordinary day

I went to work at the London Clinic today and I was suprprised how big the hospital was. I don't always look forward to working in other hospitals because I know that there will always be someone who isn't helpful. But today, I couldn't believe that everyone I spoke to in that hospital, from cleaners to consultants were very nice. I don't think I've seen that anywhere else. And this has inspired me to become nicer to people I don't know. Not that I am nice already, but sometimes people come up to me with an attitude and give them back just the same. But I learned not to take things personal form what I have seen yesterday. Maybe the person may just be having a bad day.Actually, my friend has already told me that I have positively changed since you left. I have yet to reflect  on that. But I will surely tell why she thinks I have changed. I just need to sit down and clearly think about it.

It's actually the olympics opening ceremony tonight. Daddy is watching but I can't be bothered with it. So I'm lying on the floor writing to you. 

I am tired na anak ko. I need to go to sleep. I love you always. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

I challenged myself today

Daddy and I are planning to join the Paris to Versailles 15k marathon in September. But before I sign up for anything, I want to make sure that I will be able to do it first. I have not actually ran any more than 11k. So today, I was feeling better so I decided to challenge myself.

I started running at 830am. I went to the park that I normally go to and just went around and around. Too bad my runkeeper didn't work for the first half an hour. I was a bit energized as there were a lot of people walking towards where the torch parade would be. I was listening to my "Run" playlist which includes your songs. 

I am not sure how many times I went around the park. But when I finished with my run, my recorded time was 1 hour 12 minutes for 10k.  The runkeeper only started recording 30 minutes into my running, so I think I may have ran more or less 15k. I was not that tired afterwards. I know I could have done more but I was scared because I have not done 15k before. Your song didn't play because maybe you knew I could have ran more. I wasn't that tired.

Anyway, I will register for the run in Paris now. I think I can do it. I have chosen Philippine Red Cross as my charity. I have emailed them so I'll just have to wait for their reply.

I love and miss you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

Your visit to Tita Girlie

I know you and Tita Girl had this special bond, especially when you were about 4 or so years old. You and Tito Gil used to visit her in Subic. And whenever she visited Mama Es and Daddy Henry, you would spend some time with her. So it's quite expected that somehow she thinks about you and misses you too.

Tita told me that she woke up crying last night. She dreamt that she went to a house which was ours but doesn't look exactly the same. She looked for you and when she saw you, she hugged you and told you that she missed you. You smiled at her and hugged her, but she said you looked sad. Then she noticed that two of your teeth were missing, your lower and upper incisors. When she looked at them properly, there were two small teeth growing.( Now I remember, I don't think you lost any of your teeth naturally.) Tita Girl can't recall what else you talked about, but she apparently kept telling you that she missed you and just kept hugging you while she was crying. You were chatting with Tita while she was inspecting your teeth, but unfortunately she can't remember what you were talking about. Then Inang turned up and you disappeared. The only thing Tita can remember is that Inang gave her some rice, but she didn't know what for. And when Tita hugged Inang to say goodbye, Mama and Ading Cxyrelle arrived. She just waved at them because she was leaving. Tita said you looked exactly the same as when the last time she saw you. You wear wearing a green shirt and pants. She said her dream seemed so real that's why she was crying.

Apparently this is the third time that Tita Girl has dreamt about you. The first one was during your wake. You were wearing white then, but you were at a distant so you didn't speak to Tita. The second time, you were with me. Nothing really happened, but she woke up crying because she felt guilty she couldn't come to your send off. But I know you completely understood that.

I know you miss us too that's why you visit us sometimes. And although you haven't visited me recently, I know you're here with me. I am missing you so much everyday. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

I'm struggling

There are some things in life I know I shouldn't get involved with. But being the caring person that I am, I get easily affected by things happening around me, even if it's not directly my problem. I don't really know why things never get better. One day, I am hopeful, most days I am struggling to keep things, more so our family together. Your passing shouldn't be the reason for us to grow apart, but I don't know what else I can do. I am so far away from them. Sometimes I even think if I should really care anymore. Why do I always have to think about other people first before myself? If these people do not care about the people around them, then why should I? For once, I thought that maybe I should stop caring for them totally and let them live the way they want to, without my support whatsoever. They just don't realize that what they're doing is putting so much stress on me. How many times do I have to speak to them? How many more times do I have to beg them to change for the better? I don't know anymore.

I want to be selfish and just think about myself and no one else. I think I wanna do that. I am trying to help them, but are they helping me at all? No. I don't even know how they see me. I know I sound ambiguous at the moment. How I wish I can say directly what I want to say. It's hard when you have your own problems , yet you also have to carry other people's burden. Why do these things still happen after losing you? 

I don't know how long will I be able to take all this. I have been trying to be strong, but I can only do that for sometime. 

Why is life so unfair? 

I know you're not going to be happy about this anak, but I have no one to talk to at the moment, just you. Thank you for being there. At times when I want to give up, I think of you and I immediately pick myself up and there I go again ready for the next fight.

You know I love you, right? Missing you terribly especially at times like this when I feel so all alone. But I'll be okay. "Kaya ko ito, Ako pa!".

Mommy Tintin

Mama misses you

I must say that Mama has not written in facebook for a while because Papa told her not to. I don't know why Papa is so against us posting anything about you in facebook. This is also the reason why I have stopped sharing my letters to you on your page. All I put on there now are inspirational quotes, poems or photos that I borrow from grieving mothers. But saying this, Papa didn't tell me off for putting up an invite for your birthday. I thought I hid it from him, but obviously not because the day after I posted it, he liked it. He probably jsut doesn't want us to voice out our feelings to the world. But he can't stop me from writing to you. I don't know if he read my letters to you, but I apparently have readers from Saudi. :)

So, Mama wrote today that she misses you and she wants to hug and kiss you again. We all feel that you know. We miss you everyday. I bet it's going to get worse when it's August. Mama told me the other day that you would have started planning for your birthday by now. I gathered that your birthday has almost always been at lunchtime. It must be really difficult for Mama because she'll have to plan your birthday alone this year. I know she's planning for something quite special but it's our little secret. I hope you'll approve of it. I know you will.

You will be forever in our hearts. You have no idea how much we are missing you. We love you more than words can say.

Mommy Tintin

Help SAVE Jacob's Life

I am taking this opportunity anak to ask help from those who read my letters to you. 

I came across Jacob from a friend's page and from that time on, I have been thinking of ways on how to help him. Daddy and I are definitely giving him financial help. Although we can't give much, I know it will go a long way.

I also mentioned Jacob to one of my college friends and she is willing to help. We are working together to raise funds for baby Jacob.

Jacob is from Brgy. East Feria. I may not know his family very well, but because I was mother, I know how hard it is to go through all this. Jacob needs a liver transplant because he has a congenital liver disease called Biliary Atresia. This can be fatal if Jacob doesn't have the transplant. And this is why his family is working so hard to raise funds for the operation, which costs around 3-4 million pesos.

These are the times when I wish I was very rich that I could just give them more than I can afford at the moment. This is also when I wish I had the Children's Foundation that I have been dreaming since I was a child. As much as I would like to help more, it is very difficult to convince other people to give financial help. 

There are a lot of ideas running through my head right now, but I don't know where to start. I know Jacob need the transplant sooner than later, because the longer he waits, the worse the prognosis.

Please anak, ask Papa Jesus not to take Ading Jacob yet. Tell him to direct me to the right path so I can find a way to help Jacob and to perhaps fulfill my dream for you.

I know if you were here, you would also do something for Ading Jacob.

I love you baby. Missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Teacher Nhica

I bet you remember her so well. It's just a shame that I only came to know her after you left. I find her very nice and I really enjoy chatting with her. In less than six months we really have become virtually close and very often, we chat on facebook. I am really liking the fact that I now have a good relationship with your friends and your teacher, considering that I have never known about them when you were still here.

So it seems like teacher Nhica has fond memories of you as well, even though she's only known you for a few months. Ah, you know what's funny? Teacher said that you smelt really good. She used to notice your smell a lot because it's so strong and it masked all other odours. Then I told her one story when you were on your way to school. You were already inside the tricycle when you said you forgot something. When you were inside the house Mama and Inang saw you spraying perfume all over your body. Obviously, that's what you forgot- to wear your perfume. Haha. Tacher Nhica was laughing when I told her about that. 

You know you left us with so many happy memories that we can laugh about. And I guess one thing that helps me with my grief is talking to people about how funny you were. I feel a lot lighter when I talk to people about you and then we smile or laugh together.

By the way did you also know that teacher wrote a poem for you when you left? I was going to share it with you eventually, but since I am talking about her today then I might as well just share the poem now.

K- knowing that are with our Creator's arms now is not a reason for us to forget you.

E- eventhough I've just known you for a small amount of time

I- I couldn't and wouldn't deny the fact that you got closer to my heart

T- teacher Danica is indeed grateful that I met a boy like you

H- holding back our tears because of your loss is very difficult

A- and impossible to endure

S-sure enough that I would definitely miss your smile and beautiful eyes

H- Heaven is your home now and the place where we will meet again

L- lively, joyous, quite, gentle, disciplined, smart and artistic Keith is what will remain as your memories in my heart

E- each of us will always love and remember you

Y- your voice, smile, laugh, jokes and the very YOU will remain alive in our minds and you will always occupy a special place in our hearts. Thank you for being a part of our lives.

- From someone who will never forget you....... Teacher Danica

I just want you to know that you were/are loved by many. We were so lucky to have you in our lives. It's not everyday that we meet an 11 year old boy like you. And thank you for making the way for me to be friends with your friends, most especially teacher Nhica.

I love you anak. I miss you always.

Mommy Tintin

On your first birthday in heaven

I know I have never planned any of your birthdays this much, but then again you really never asked for anything. This year is different though, because it's your first birthday in heaven and I want everyone who knows you to remember you on this special day. I know in my heart that you were not into material things unless you needed them absolutely necessary, so I made a list of the things that I know you would want us to do instead. 

1. Light a candle (blue preferably if they have one) and say a little prayer.
2. Sing or play your favourite song "Lighters" by Eminem
3. Don't hurt or worse kill any insect or animals 4. Play a musical instrument if you are able to
5. Make someone's day "Lighter" in any way you can
6. Make your family and friends feel that you love and care for them
7. Avoid saying bad words
8. Draw something that reminds them of you
9. Wear white or blue
10.Remember your motto, "Kaya ko po, Ako Pa" and take the challenge of doing something they thought they can never do.

What do you think? I guess this sums up the person that you really were. I am very sure there is more, but we'll do another one next time.

By the way, your friend Anthony created a photo in zipzap and shared it on his facebook page. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness. 

"Keith of Hearts" - I think I may have read that in one of your friends letters to you when you left. I will have to go back to those letters so I can be reminded of it. Don't you think your friend is sweet? 

Hayyyy, you are surely missed anak. I know you're up there looking down on us. Please remember that we love you so much and no can take your place in our hearts. 

Ciao, baby.

Mommy Tintin

Mama is bothered about her dream

Mama sent me a message this morning saying that she couldn't sleep last night. She felt hot and then cold. And when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt about you.

She was apparently crying and told Inang and Lola Nora that she was missing you so much and that she wanted to see you and hug you. Then she went to pick you up and took you home, but she said that you would go back to where you were. She also asked you what you wanted, to go home to be with them or to stay where you were. You told Mama that you wanted to go home with her. There is one thing that's bothering her though. Because in that dream, Inang apparently gave you away in exchange of something else. But Mama is not sure what it was. So she is a little bit confused about that.

When Mama saw you in her dream, you were very handsome. You just had a haircut. Mama had to speak to an old woman and a man to ask permission if she could take you. Mama said that they were mother and son, and there were a lot of people over there. And there were kids too. And then they felt sad when Mama took you. But Mama told them that she was just borrowing you and that she would bring you back. You and Mama hugged each other and she was kissing you endlessly. She was very happy to see you. Mama saw your face like you were really there, if you know what I mean and the way you moved really didn't change, always graceful. 

Mama said her dream was very clear, to the point that she thought she brought you home for real. But she's bothered about her dream because she doesn't know what it means. I am planning to go to a dream interpreter tomorrow to hopefully find an answer to our dreams. I am very sure Mama misses you so much and that you visited her because you also miss her. You probably know that Mama longs to hold and kiss you again. In fact all of us longs for that. I know we're never ever gonna hug you again until we get to where you are, but your visits somehow reassures me that you're just around us.

I don't know what else to say. You know we miss you so much and it's less than a month now until your birthday. It's going to be hard.

We love you little angel.

Mommy Tintin

Your swing

I suddenly thought about your swing this morning. I don't know why but I had to send a message to Mama to find out if they also removed it when they cut the mango tree down. Mama said Uncle Ambo took it down as soon as Tatang asked him to cut the mango tree. I thought I am over the fact that I almost lost the place where you, our family and friends made memories together. But when I was suddenly reminded of your swing, I felt sad yet again.

You've had the swing since you were small I think and you and your Adings used to fight over it. I remember we had two, but I can't remember if the other one was still there when I went home for your send off. Maybe it was still there but I just didn't take so much notice of it. I know your swing is really humble. In fact it was just made of wood and rope, then hung on a branch of the mango tree. But hey, it lasted very long right? And as far as I know a lot of children and old people like me have enjoyed that swing. So I was kind of upset when I found out that it was also removed. I was hoping that somehow, that part of the mango tree was left alone. But never mind, perhaps we can always put it back when the branches re-grow.

You know why that swing is also special to me? Because I have seen you sat on that swing alone a lot of times. Sometimes even early in the morning when you woke up, you would go and sit over there. Even Mama Es said that she would miss seeing you hanging out on the swing.

I know I took a photo of you on the swing and here it is:

I have been studying this photo and until now I still can't figure out what you were doing. I am not sure if you were looking at a tiny thing on your hands or you were in deep thoughts. Honestly, I have a few photos of you on your own and looking like you were thinking carefully about something. You have always been mysterious at times you know. 

Nothing really. I am just missing you so much. I love talking about you and I love you.

Good night my sweet child.

Mommy Tintin

On heaven and souls

I grew up a catholic and I was even once a Cathechist. Of course I strongly believed in heaven and souls way back then...until you were taken away.

I guess it's normal for a bereaved mother like me to reassess my beliefs and worse, even question them. I got so confused when you left that I was not sure anymore if I had to keep believing that your soul has gone up to heaven. How could I believe that now? I know there is a body, but is there really a soul? Does heaven really exist? I have never been as skeptical as this when it comes to my religious beliefs. I know I am very much reluctant in believing history at times because the books that I have read may have just been written by a random person who has not actually experienced anything that has happened in the past. I know I totally don't make sense. But anyway....

Last night I told my friend about Papa's dream and she was teary-eyed and told me that she believes that you are indeed in heaven. She told me that when her mom was sick for a month, her soul traveled to heaven back and forth. Her mom apparently told them that she came back because heaven was too far and not everyone managed to get there. And according to her mom, she saw a long flight of stairs that she needed to climb up in order to get to heaven. She passed away eventually. I have heard of such stories before and I honestly believed them. But since you left I have had doubts. However, since your visit to Papa, I have been trying to convince myself that you are in heaven and that it exists for once and for all. I know I need a lot of reassurance on this, but in no time I will be able to convince myself fully that there is indeed life after death.

You probably think that mommy is crazy for thinking this way. But eventually things will definitely become clearer to me. Until then.....

Wherever you are, just know that I love you dearly and that I always think about you.

Mommy Tintin

Your bestfriend Aga

I was waiting for Mama to go online this afternoon so I could chat with her, but unfortunately, they had no electricity again so it took her a while to reply to my message. Anyway, she was apparently exchanging texts with Auntie Nitz. Of course they talked about you and Aga. Auntie Nitz told Mama that Aga has kept your photo in his wallet and he always remembers you. Auntie Nitz even thinks that Aga may not be able to find a new bff because he's trying to stick with you.

Then we moved on to your plans in attending the Regional Science school in Olongapo or Manila. I thought that was ambitious. But knowing you, you can do anything. And since you are no longer here, Mama told Auntie Nitz that Aga should pursue that dream even without you, because even if Aga can't see you, you can still see him from up there. Or maybe, you can still be with him in spirit.

I really don't often ask about Aga, but recently I have been thinking about him. It's only because I am wondering how it's gonna be like when he's older. I am sure he will never forget you because you did a lot of good things together. You were practically brothers from different mothers.

And also, when Ading Cxyrelle was making a list for her 7 roses, 7 candles etc for her 7th birthday, she mentioned about her Kuya Aga. Then I have an idea of Aga playing the violin on your first angelversary. I have also told Mama to ask Ate Glory if she can play "Lighters" on the day. I have so much plan for that day, but I don't think Papa or Tatang will approve of it. But we shall see.

I gotta go anak. It's always nice to write to you. Somehow it eases the pain a bit.

I love you so much and I am missing you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Holding on the thought that you're in heaven

I can't get over Papa's dream that I felt the need to share it to my fellow grieving mothers. It is better that I share it with people who are in my shoes because they know how I feel. A few has already left comments and all of them are reassuring. Maybe I am just gonna settle with the fact that you are indeed already in heaven.

You know recently, I was talking to one of your friends at school and she was telling me about the things that are going on. I could feel that there is somewhat a frustration in what she was telling me and the way she described things kind of made me think, " What would Keith be doing in that situation?". She seems like she's struggling with how others have been behaving lately. At some point in our conversation, I told her that I am glad that you're no longer with them as I am not sure how you would have dealt with it. Then I realized that maybe what Tito Roman read at your send-off mass was right- that you were taken because God doesn't want you to be stained.

Your friend's stories got me thinking, would you have changed if you were still around? Would they have influenced you? I don't know because I have met your friends and I have seen how they acted. They very different from you, you were quiet, they were very active. Remember I even asked them what would you normally do if they're fooling around? And they just said, nothing. You would just be in a corner smiling at them. Although sometimes you would join them, but not as actively as they do. So perhaps, you wouldn't let them influence you, would you? Not that I am saying they're bad influences because I have already met them and I love them all dearly. But you probably know how it's like for other children to be children.

Well, maybe you have new friends in heaven and perhaps you play different games from what you were playing down here. Maybe you're star-fishing up there? How I wish I can see how you play in heaven. You can tell me all about it when you next visit me.

I am longing for you everyday anak. Mommy loves you more than words can ever say. I know you're safe and happy in heaven and I am glad that you have remained pure.

Mommy Tintin

Edvard Munch

Daddy and I, along with Ate Leng and Kuya Ron visited the Tate gallery this afternoon. And while Ate and Kuya went to see the Damien Hirst exhibition, Daddy and I went to Edvard Munch's.

As soon as we entered the first room, I started asking questions about you being an artist. I saw still photos of the artist and that gave me an idea on what to put in your future gallery. And then I started asking Daddy how to interpret the paintings. But according to him, it depends on the one looking at it. Maybe he's right. In most of the paintings that I have seen today and in the past, there is (almost) always a constant object(s) in the paintings. Just like you, in most of your paintings, there was the sun, the moon and the stars. It's quite interesting really. And I love to know why you've always used those three elements in your paintings, and even in some of your drawings.

Then we moved on and saw a small sculpture in the middles of a room. Daddy asked me if you would have tried it. I was not sure but then I remember Mama telling me that you have won a clay forming in the past, so maybe you would have tried this as well.

Another thing that we wondered about was photography. Mama told me before that you liked taking photos. Oh yes, I remember when I went home the last time. You borrowed my camera because you wanted to take photos of the birds and animals at Zoobic. So perhaps you had the interest too.

And yes, what about portrait? You haven't really painted any portraits, just drew them. Remember you drew myself and Dr. Jose Rizal? Maybe if you stayed longer, I'm sure you have painted more portraits. Sayang.

While I was looking at Munch's portraits, a boy caught my attention. He was trying to draw one of the portraits. I had a feeling he was about your age, so I went up to speak to him. He told me he was 10 years old. I asked him if he also paints and he said sometimes. But I assume he draws a lot. He told me that he started drawing when he was 5. 

This is one of the things that I regret the most. I was not able to bring you to museums so you could have done what this kid was doing. As I have told you before, Daddy was very excited for you to come and visit London so he can have a museum buddy. But now, these things will just remain a dream.

Maybe you have your own museum up there. Visit me soon so you can tell me how it's like over there. 

I miss you so much you know. There's not a day that I don't think about you. It's almost six months and I am still not completely over your passing yet. Things are better I suppose, but the pain is still there. Nevertheless, I love you so very much.

Mommy Tintin

Your interesting visit to Papa and Mama

Papa told me that he dreamt about you while I was in Italy. He said his dream seemed real that he woke up and could no longer go back to sleep. Apparently, you went back and greeted Papa on his birthday. And then Papa asked you how you were. You answered, "Okay naman po ako, huwag kayong mag-alala. Nasa langit na po ako at masayang-masaya ako doon" (I'm okay, don't worry. I am now in heaven and I am very happy there). I didn't know how to react. Perhaps you are really now in heaven and I can't be happier for that. I just wish that you talk to us more. I know you have a lot to tell us.

Meanwhile, Mama's dream is not as good as Papa's. She dreamt that you and your friends were at a field trip and you were very pale. Then you collapsed and the next thing Mama remembered you were at a funeral home. You were wearing a white shirt and black trousers. Most of Mama's dreams that she has told me are of that nature. No matter how much she tries to try and save you, she can't. Maybe she's right, than even if we have tried everything to make you stay, you probably wouldn't have stayed. Maybe you were not meant to stay any longer. It may be so painful but perhaps this is your way of telling us to accept the fact that you are no longer with us and that you're not coming back anymore. It's really sad, but it's true.

I miss you so much baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

I'm back home

Hi anak, we just got back from our holiday. It's raining in London and how I wish I stayed in Italy a little bit longer. But anyway...

Before we left Cinque Terre, Daddy and I hung out in a place called Vernazza and watched children and teenagers swim. We thought that maybe you would have loved the swimming bit. I remember you always wanted going to the beach with Mama and your siblings. So perhaps you would really have enjoyed swimming over there.

Now that I'm home I can write better to you. Sorry anak, all my letters to you during my holiday seemed all written in a rush. Only because my wi-fi access in Italy was limited and we're out everyday. But I promise that I will write to you properly now that I'm back in England.

I have to go now anak as Daddy has finished cooking. We just need to eat dinner as we really haven't eaten properly today.

Please know that I love you very much. I am missing you more each day.


Mommy Tintin

It's my birthday

I almost freaked out when I found out that all restaurants in Manarola that has wi-fi are already closed. I was getting angry at your Daddy for not telling or reminding me that they close between 8 and 9pm. Anyway, I am glad that I found a free wi-fi not far from our apartment even it means I have to stand in the middle of the street. 

Anyway, I had a very nice birthday. Daddy took me to a boat ride to another town and then we watched the sunset on top of the hill. We drank the champagne that the owner of the hotel gave us last night. Daddy bought a cake too and of course I blew a candle. I just feel bad that I was not able to speak to any of our family today. I think this is my first birthday when I didn't get to speak to anybody. I guess I have a good reason of not having an international roaming and the fact that wi-fi is not free and not always easy to find. I will just speak to them on Friday when we get back to London. 

I must tell you what happened last night. Daddy and I were at the marina watching a Lolo fishing. All of a sudden I reached inside my bag and took my mobile phone out. I was in awe when I saw 00:00 Wednesday 11 July displayed on my screen, of course with your photo on it (as my screensaver). 

What a coincidence right? I was hoping that you would visit me and greet me happy birthday just like what you did to Papa. But it's okay if you can't at the moment because of that little trick last night. I would take that as your way of greeting me happy birthday. 

Well, it's getting late again and we need to go back to our hotel soon. This is my first birthday without you. You and your adings would normally greet me on the phone individually. How I missed that today. And I miss you more. I love you anak. 

Mommy Tintin 

P.S. 

I will edit all my letters to you wneh i get home. Love you.x

Our hiking day

I received a good news from Mama when I woke up this morning but I will tell you all about it when I go back to London so that I can write to you properly. At the moment I am at a cafe waiting for Daddy to come back. He went to pay for our hotel. 

Anyway, we left our hotel very early- around 630am to start our hike. It took us an hour and a half to get to the first town. It would have been quicker if we didn't stop to take pictures. You know how what we're like. I have not hiked in years but I think it wasn't too bad. My fear of heights didn't take over my excitement to experience the hike so perhaps I did well. 

Because we started early, I wasn't very tired on the first part of our hike. On the second part though, I started feeling the heat. By this time, it was almost 9am because we stopped at the town to have breakfast first. Anyway, the second part of the hike is worse than the first one. It was more hilly and the trails were narrower. But the views of the Italian coast was amazing! I am glad I was wearing my trainers as I would have done the hike with utmost difficulty if I insisted in wearing flipflops. I have to submit to the fact that Daddy was right. Hehe. 

I was thinking about you during the hike because again I saw kids your age hiking. I wondered if you would have wanted to hike. Perhaps you won't right? You probably won't mind the hike itself, but i don't think you'll tolerate the heat. Daddy and I thought that if ever we have your brother or your sister, we would take them hiking. 

We will be moving to another town today and will spend my birthday over there. I don't know what we're gonna do yet but I am sure it will be as memorable. I wish you were there to listen to my hiking story when I call home on Friday. But never mind because I have told you about my experience first before anyone. I can't wait to go back and speak to Mama so I can tell you about the good news. It's the best birthday gift so far this year. Yes perhaps better than this Italian trip because it's all about you. 

I miss you so much anak. I love you okay? I will write to you again tomorrow.

Mommy Tintin

Just dropping by

We are now in Corniglia village in Cinque Terre. It is very hot yet I see old people and children your age or even younger climbing up the hills. You probably won't tolerate this weather as I know very well that you hate the hot weather. We just had our lunch and after this we're also going to start hiking. I am writing to you now because I don't know what time we're able to get back. We just had our lunch and I am taking advantage of the free wi-fi as there is no wi-fi at our hotel. 

A lot of things are reminding me of you here- just simple things. I just want you to know that I think of you wherever I am. I am missing you loads. I love you. 

I will write to you more if we get home early tonight and if I can steal the wi-fi at this restaurant as our hotel is just 2 doors away. For now, just pray for our safety in climbing up the hills. Ciao baby ko! 

Mommy Tintin

First day in Italy

It's almost quarter past one in the morning here in Bologna. I'm still awake because we just got home about a few minutes ago. We had a very long day today. Daddy and I arrived in Bologna around 1pm and immediately, we went out to check out the town. I quite like Bologna anak. It's very quiet and there are not a lot of cars in the main city centre. Daddy wanted to see more places but we ran out of time. After hanging around at their famous piazza, we went up to this tower which really scared me. I don't know if I have told you before that I am scared of heights. We climbed I think more or less than a hundred steps, in wooden stairs. The stairs were really steep and quite slippery. You can imagine how scared I was. But I managed to go up and down the tower without passing out. 

Then we watched an outdoor cinema in the night. Daddy and I have always wanted to do this but for some reason we didn't have the chance. To be honest, this has been the highlight of our trip. In fairness we really didn't do much but it was such a nice experience to be out there under the stars watching a Swedish film with majority of italian folks. I am not sure if you would have enjoyed this trip. Perhaps not but I would have loved to take you to Italy for sure. 

Tomorrow we will be leaving early for Cinque Terre where I will be celebrating my birthday. I will make sure to update you from there. 

Thank you for your prayers anak and please continue to pray for us. I love you so much and I am missing you. 

Mommy Tintin