Happy Halloween

We had a halloween dinner at home and I made this for you:

I hope you liked it. I love and miss you so much!

Mommy Tintin

Two days before the dreadful day

It's only two days before All Saint's Day and I am really feeling sad. I was exchanging texts with Mama earlier on and she told me that they have started sorting out your house on earth. They went there to put up the poles for the tent. I don't think they really need to clean the area because the caretaker is in charge of making sure that your house is always clean. Mama gives him some money from what I know.

 

Today they spent all day at your resting place and I am sure they will do the same tomorrow and the next day.

 

I don't really know how I am feeling right now. I feel so sad thinking about it.

 

I will be off that day so I will definitely call Mama. She said they will go there early and probably leave late also.

 

Hay anak, you have no idea how painful this is. We are missing you so much.

 

I love you Pochongchong.

 

 

Mommy Tintin

 

 

 

Ading is preparing for her 7th birthday

It's still more than a week left, but Ading Cxyrelle is already excited for her 7th birthday. Actually, she has finished her list ages ago, but now she's just thinking about give-aways and prizes. It's actually good that Ading wants to give away school supplies rather than chocolate and toys. I spoke to her briefly the other day and she went through some of the stuff that she wants. Among you three, Ading Cxyrelle has the strongest personality. She knows exactly what she wants and she's not afraid to say and ask for it. Unlike you and Ading Linus, we still have to offer you everything and sometimes even force you to have something. But saying that, at the same when you say to Ading you don't have the money, she will understand, but will still ask for it when she knows you have the money.

Anyway, so her theme as I told you before is Hello Kitty. She wants all the kids to attend in their hello kitty attire. I wonder what the boys would wear. And guess what, she has changed her mind now, she will not wear seven gowns anymore. I bet you are quite relieved by that. I know you don't want Ading wearing gowns a lot. Haha. But she will still have seven outfits though, but more casual. She already has a list of everyone who will participate in the program and Tito Roman is in charge of it.

Mama went to Olongapo today to order the hello kitty stuff. Ading wanted to go with Mama, but Mama wants to surprise her. I don't know what reason Mama gave her that she managed to leave her behind. You know how Ading is like, you really can't lie to her.

Also, Pastor already has a gift wrapped for Ading. I'm sure if Ading finds out about it, she will ask for it straight away even if it's not her birthday yet.

It's so sad that you're going to miss this milestone in Ading's life. She was planning this with you last year. But I'm sure you will be there with her in spirit, and that you will watching her from above.

We are missing you terribly everyday. Please never forget that we love you.

Mommy Tintin

Our Boyscout and Girlscout

Mama has posted pictures from your Adings' GSP and BSP camp. It's really nice to see your Adings participating in such activities as I know that they are very sociable. It's also good because they get to experience these things. I must say that when I was in grade school and high school, I thoroughly enjoyed camping. I'm sure you would have enjoyed it too.

Here's our boyscout, Ading Linus:

And our Girlscout, Ading Cxyrelle :

Ading likes taking photos of herself, right? I can see you smiling looking at this photo.

Mama told me that the girls slept inside the classroom while the boys had to put up tents outside. 

It's just a shame that you didn't get to experience all this. But I am sure that you are happy for your Adings because I know that you've always wanted them to join in school activities. This is probably why Ading Linus now wants to join in every competition in school. Thank you for being an inspiration to your Adings. I'm sure they will forever look up to their Kuya Keith.

Oh guess what, look at this photo:

Ading Linus trying to prepare a stuffed fish (tilapia). Do you think you would have done this? I mean, putting your fingers on a bowl of tomatoes and onions and then holding the fish while you put the stuff inside it? Haha. I kknow you have used your hand to eat before, or have you? I don't think you would have done this. You probably would be "yuck-ing" by now, haha! But let me ask Mama. I know you were maarte, but I'm sure you also loved trying on new things.

Well anak, I'm sure you didn't miss much because I know you're always with your Adings. Please thank Father God for always being there for them. And thank you for watching over them. We love you so much Kuya and we miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Another broken promise

.... and I am very sorry.

I know you have said before that I kept promising you things that I really never ever fulfilled. Just like this time, I promised you that I would go home on your first angelversary, but that is not going to happen anymore. I was so sure about going home until a week ago, when I realized that I don't really have enough money to go home. Besides I only have two weeks annual leave left, so I thought really hard about it, whether it would be worth it or not. I know it would always be worth it because it would be for you. But not having enough money and time I'm sure will cause some problems. Although not major ones, I don't want to go home and end up being upset. I know I will hear complaints for going home only for two weeks. I had the same experience last year and it really hurt me, so I don't want that to happen again. I don't think I will be able to take anything negative that will be said about me this time. I know I am being vague, but it's really hard to explain. I really don't want to be reminded that I didn't fulfill my promises to you. Not by anyone but myself. I know what I have done and I am so guilty about it. To hear this over and over again will definitely hurt my feelings and when I am hurt, I may say something this time that will offend them. So maybe it would be better if I just don't go home. And I know there will be a lot of pressures when I go home. I just want to spare myself from all this, for now anyway until I can say I have definitely moved on from losing you. Besides Daddy and I are trying to save money to buy a house hopefully end of next year if we are able to reach our target. And it would be impossible for me to do that and then go home. I just can't do it anak, so I am so sorry if I will not be able to be with our family on your first angelversary. I have told Papa and Mama already and also Inang. 

I know you will understand me. I just know because this is you. You have always been understanding. If we told you we won't be able to do or buy something, you would always say, "okay lang po, pag nagkapera na lang po tayo" or "saka na lang po". This is one thing that I really miss about you. At 11, you were really matured. You knew when you can have something and when you can't and still be understanding.

Well, I am glad that I was able to spend 11 years with you even not physically for most of it. I will forever be proud of you.

I love you so much anak. Missing you already.

Mommy Tintin

Walang Hanggan: The last episode

I don't even know how to start. I finished watching the last episode of one of my favourite soap operas with a heavy heart not because it has ended, but how it ended. The main characters of the soap died from very unfortunate circumstances. But sometimes, it's like that in some teleseryes (soap operas). What really made me cry was when Daniel's mother Emily found him dead and broke down in tears. Naturally, it brought back bitter memories of when you left us. Now I understand why Mama and Inang really don't watch teleseryes anymore.

Emily's reaction upon seeing Daniel bleeding to death was something that I could only imagine. But it really happened to Mama. The night I called the hospital and spoke to Tito Junjun, I could hear Mama screaming in the back ground, crying uncontrollably. She was asking somebody to help you and not to take you away from her. When Emily screamed, I heard Mama. She was the same. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I was teary eyed, but didn't want to let it all out. I was trying to be strong, because I know it was not real. But then again, it may have not be real for them, but it was real to us. I just couldn't deny that to myself. Daddy noticed that I was crying and probably thought that I was crying over the teleserye. Yes it true, but it was partly because of you too. I felt Emily's  pain. Tagos na tagos as we would say in Filipino. No one should really go through that pain in real life. I have said this a lot of times but life is sometimes not fair. But you see, even in this teleserye, God took the good ones first - Daniel and Katerina. Perhaps that's just how it is, be it real or not.

I admire Lola Henya's positive outlook in life. Although I know she was obviously hurt by what happened to her only apo (grandson) and Katerina, she never asked any questions, she never questioned God. Instead, she believed that it happened the way it did to give them new hope and that God has a plan that He himself only knows. I mean, how can you stay as positive as Lola Henya, when someone was taken away from you that way? How I wish it is this easy in real life.

As most Filipino teleseryes, they always fast forward the events of the future. It looked like Daniel and Katerina's passing brought new hope, love and forgiveness to those whom they have left behind. I really wished your passing has done the same for us. But we are not quite there yet I don't think. There are still a lot of things that need to be ironed out. But I am still hoping that one day, your passing will give our family harmony, love, forgiveness, peace and prosperity. I have no idea how, but as Lola Henya believed, God has a plan for each and everyone of us. Maybe it's not time for us to find that purpose yet.

Oh how I wish that everything happened to you was just a teleserye. But no, I am afraid this is real life and it sucks!

I love you so much and missing you everyday.

Mommy Tintin

Scouting month

So, you rushed a lot of things in the span of 11 years, but you seemed to have missed being a Boy Scout! I realized this when Mama told me that tomorrow, they will have a parade at school then they will go camping until Saturday. Then I suddenly thought about you because as far as I can remember, I never heard you talk about Scouting month or anything to do with being a boy scout. That's why I asked Mama if you were ever one, but Mama said no. But you apparently went to their school's scouting event. But you didn't do the camping though. 

Mama told me that you didn't have scouts in your school which I think was weird. I went to the same school as you, but October has always been a scouting month. We called it Investiture Ceremony wherein girl and boy scouts were awarded some kind of a pin and then they would say their oath. Then they become a proper scout. I have been a girl scout since grade school. I was even a team leader at more than one occasion. Maybe they don't have it in grade school. I don't really know but it would have been ice if they do have scouting month because it is completely a different experience.

Sayang you didn't experience to be a boy scout. I'm sure you would have loved it, the camping and stuff.

Twelve years later and 9 months since you left us, I am still learning a lot about you. I am just so glad that there is always something that reminds me of you. I want to get to know you more and at the same time, want other people to know more about you.

Mommy will always be proud of you. I love you so much. I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

That dreaded day of Nov 1

When I was in the Philippines I didn't mind going to the cemetery to light candles and offer flowers to our lost loved ones. In fact, I kind of looked forward to it because I got the chance to see my friends and get to meet other people whom I may know but have not seen for a while. For the last 11 years I didn't even pay much attention to November 1 anymore because in Engalnd, we don't really do All Saint's Day. I can't even remember doing anything on those days except perhaps pray for the souls of our beloved grandparents and Tito Ryan.

But this year is going to be definitely different. I don't even want to think about it anymore because I don't know how that day is going to be like for me, being away from our family on our first November 1 without you. I have requested the day off because I want to be at home, just in case it gets too much while I'm at work. I really don't want to make a scene. Most likely though, I'll be on my own because Daddy has to work that day. I am planning to take Meow to church in the morning and perhaps stay at home the rest of the day. I will call Mama of course. It would be good if there was wi-fi in the cemetery so we could all skype. Apart from that, I don't know what else to do.

Mama on the other hand have spoken to Tito Roman. Tito Roman will apparently arrange your flowers. He wants to put flowers all around your tomb to make it so special as you were. Thinking about it really makes me want to cry buckets. I can't believe that this year, our family will be visiting your grave. I don't know how Inang or Tatang will take it. As far as I know theyhaven't visited your new house on earth since the day we took you there. Inang told me she couldn't bear it. So I'm not sure what she's gonna do when November 1 comes.

I am expecting lots of flowers for you that day. I just hope that your friends and the people who knew will not forget you that day. Otherwise, it will break my heart.

I told Mama to make flowers for Daddy's Lolo and Uncle and also Paolo. I am not sure if Paolo's parents will be going home. I think they go home every year actually.

Ha, it's going to be so sad that day. How I wish things were different. But cest la vie.

I love you and I miss you so much anak ko.

Mommy Tintin

The music changed

As you loved music and was a musician in the making, I thought I'd share this poem written by Mardi Slagle Peaster  for his son, Douglas.

The day you died,

the muscial score of my life was forever changed.

A sad undertone was added.

Some days it is very loud.

Some days it is very soft.

But it is always there.

I am thankful for the days when I

can hear the joyful melody of life.

I will listen to your song forever in my heart

For me though, my music really changed literally since I lost you as I really have not listened to new songs since then, except Bruno Mars's, which was your favourite singer. I have other songs on my playlist apart from your songs, but most of them were the songs we listened together when I went home in 2011. Those were the the last songs we sang together, especially "Fireworks" by Katy Perry. I remember playing that song and you heard it and boy, the smile on your face. And then Ading Linus told me that you liked listening to the song. So it gave me the idea to dance into the music. I remember jumping up and down, with my hand in the air under the mango tree singing along Katy Perry. And there you were in front of the computer looking at me, smiling at me and giggling at times. The memory is very clear to me as those were our best times together. I am forced to recall everything that happened that time because I want to remember the last of everything that I did with you. If only I knew I won't see you ever again, I would have done more with you. I would have sung more songs with you, watched you paint more, listened and watched you play the violin more, tickled you more, pinched your cheeks more, cuddled you more, let you sit on my lap more, slept beside you more and basically did more with you. Ah, I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss the music in you.

I love everything about you and more.

Mommy Tintin

Mafi

I met this guy named Mafi this afternoon at the store around the corner. I don't normally chat with people that long but for some reason today, I felt chatting so I started a conversation with Mafi. I noticed that he was sniffing and coughing so I asked him if he was ill. He said he has a cold and that his voice is going away too. I told him I know how it feels as I have just been there. But there was apparently more than his cold, he said he has been crying since yesterday. At first I thought he was joking because you know, he's a man and man apparently don't cry. But he was serious and told me that he lost his father yesterday. I was speechless for a few seconds. I just didn't know what to say. So I said sorry and offered my condolences. I was surprised as he is at work when his father has just passed away. I figured out that his father was actually in Bangladesh and he was not able to go home. My heart broke all over again. He hasn't seen his father for seven years. And before he died, he was speaking to him on the phone. He said he was fine. His father was asthmatic, but then again he has been for a while so he thought he was fine. Thirty minutes after their conversation, he received a phone call from Bangladesh saying that his father has just passed away. This is just so sad.

Reflecting on his situation, I am still lucky that I was able to go home when you left. I asked Mafi why he didn't go home and he told me that they bury their dead straight away, unlike us. Besides he said, he didn't have the money to go home. I felt so bad hearing this because Daddy Don is right, in any situation, it can get worse. I am still lucky because when you left I had the money. Daddy and I were saving the money to buy a house. Few months before they took you, we were thinking of buying the house before 2011 ended. But for some reason, we couldn't make up our minds. Maybe because God knows I was going to need the money for something else. So really, things happen for a reason.

It's funny how God "distribute" burdens. No, it's not really funny. But you see, He took you at a very young age when I could have spent my lifetime with you. You were my only son. I saw you a year before you left. I was able to give you the best sent off I could possibly give you. I don't know much about Mafi and his father. But for him, he has not seen his father for seven years and he didn't even see him before they buried him. Thinking about all this reminds me of my friend who lost her daughter about three years ago. Just like Mafi, she hasn't seen her for years. And when the daughter died, she was not able to go home either because she couldn't for legal reasons. Until the last time I spoke to her over dimsum, she still hasn't grieved. I probably would have gone crazy if I was not able to see you. It's painful enough to accept that you're gone, what more if I was not able to see your face even for the last time? I can't even imagine it. It's just too much.

I really have to reflect on these situations as I often ask so many questions and complain a lot about losing you at a young age. I tend to forget that there are certainly other people out there who are or were in worse situation than I was with you. A loss is a loss no matter how you put it. The thing is, every person is put in different situation. God only knows why He does this. It would be interesting to know.

At the end of the day, I think I am still more blessed. I am not sure. I don't know really. Sometimes I would like to think so. I am still hoping that better things will come our way after what happened to you. Sadness should be bound to be replaced by happiness. But as I said, I don't know.

All I know is that I have lost a gem, the best child any mother could ever have. I love you to bits and I am missing you so much. I hope that one day in your new world, you will meet Mafi's father. We always say small world on earth whenever we meet a familiar face, so maybe you can say the same in your world too.

Mommy Tintin

Tatang Cardo

I received a not so good news from Mama today. Tatang Cardo, although not really sick is apparently getting weaker. Mama told me that Tatang Cardo feels like his time to join you is not long. He told her that he may actually join you soon that's why he was asking Mama and Tito Junjun to go home to Ilocos because he wants to see them. But Mama and Tito Junjun are reluctant to go because they know that something may happen to Tatang Cardo if they go. You know how it's like. Besides Mama and Tito Junjun are still not ready for anything like that because they are still traumatized by what happened to you. They were there when they took you. And I don't think they will ever forget that.

 

I really don't know what's going to happen now. Mama wants to go home to Ilocos to see Tatang Cardo but she has commitments this week. So she's not sure when she could go.

 

Anak I was going to ask you to ask Father God for a favour. It's only less than a year since He took you away from us. Mama and Tito Junjun have not even move on yet from everything that happened. If God takes Tatang Cardo soon, it's going to be too much for them. Mama told me that she feels like going crazy just thinking about it. I am hoping and praying that God will give us more time to get over what happened to you. I know He has His own reasons for doing things but I am begging Him to please just give us sometime. After taking the best gift anyone could ever have, I would think that that would be enough to pay for whatever wrong we may have done in our lives. Taking another family member too soon is I think not fair. I don't know anak, but please tell Father God to keep Tatang Cardo here for a little longer. Just until everyone has moved on from losing you. I feel so sorry for Mama and Tito Junjun. After what happened to you, I don't think anyone deserves anymore heartaches. Losing you is just too much.

 

If God cand lend us Tatang Cardo a little bit longer, even just after your first year angelversary, I would be really grateful. Can you please pray for Tatang Cardo anak? And if you happen to speak to Papa Jesus, please tell Him not to take Tatang Cardo yet.

 

We really miss you so much baby. We love you so much.

 

 

Mommy Tintin

 

 

My Saturday poem for you

Missing You Always

You never said I'm leaving,

You never said goodbye,

YOu were gone before we knew it

And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you

A million times I cried

If love alone could have saved you

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still,

In my heart I hold a place

That only you can fill.

- from grieving mothers

I love and miss you so much baby ko.

Mommy Tintin

Pachelbel: Canon in D

Guess what? I just found out that my friend also has a video playing your favourite piece, Canon in D by Pachelbel. When you left, Mama told me that you used to play this on your violin whenever you were challenged. For example, when you had exams and you found it difficult to study. You would play the violin even in the night. I feel so bad that I didn't witness all this. How I wish I was there to listen to you. From your videos, you were good considering that you have only been playing the violin for two years or so. Have I told you that when you left us your friends from Casa San Miguel also played the Canon D for you? Perhaps Sir Coke knew that that was your favourite too or maybe Mama told them. It was so heartbreaking watching and listening to them play that for you. They really shouldn't be doing that because you should really be playing with them. Everytime I think about that day when I first met your friends from the Casa, I feel really sad. I missed a lot of opportunities to watch you perform because I am too far away. Thank God for videos, at least I could watch you play over and over again.

So here's my friend's version of your favourite piece. I hope you'll like it.

Your memories live on through your love for music. I will forever remember you whenever I hear any of your favourite violin pieces and songs! I love you so much baby and missing you more each day.

Mommy Tintin

Lighters Piano Solo ( Another K Lighter Day)

On your first angel birthday, I asked our family and friends 10 things to do to remember you and I was overwhelmed by their response. One of my friends from university, Blossom is also an artist like you. In fact she painted the blue candle for you, remember? But really she is a musician. I remember in university when she joined the beauty contest at school,she played the piano for her talent portion. And then she stated posting videos of her playing on facebook. And so I thought I'd ask her to play "Lighters" and she granted my request much to my happiness. I know you will like it, so here's the video:

I told Papa to listen to this but he said no. I understand why. I know he's not ready to hear or see anything that will remind him of that painful memory of losing you. I know in time, it will be easier for him. Mama on the other hand, doesn't have a good internet connection. But when I spoke to Ading Linus this afternoon, I made him listen to it and he was humming with it. Speaking of Ading Linus, I thought he has lost weight but he said no. He told me he is getting taller. Ha, time flies really fast.

I miss you Balong. Meow is sat beside me. He has been my comfort (and your Daddy of course) since I became unwell. We have been sleeping with Meow for a few days now. How I wish it was you. I love you so much baby.

Mommy Tintin

Your very brief visit

You probably know that Mommy has not been well for the last couple of days now. It all started with a bad headache and then when I woke up yesterday morning, I suddenly couldn't breath as my nose was blocked. And now I have a runny nose and I sneeze like every 30 minutes. It's actually better now, but my nose remains very itchy and my eyes are watery. I was going back to work tomorrow, but my boss told me to just have it off if I am not 100% well, so I may just go back on Friday.

So anyway, you really know when to cheer me up right? Because last night I felt terrible. I was restless before I went to bed because I didn't know if my nose was blocked or it was runny. I had Meow in my arms and I told your Daddy jokingly, " I hope Meow doesn't get my colds". Haha. I managed to sleep eventually and there you visited me in my dreams.

I think it was at your school because Her Jae was there. I don't know what I was doing there but seemed like there was a program or something. When I saw Her Jae, I became quite emotional. I think I may have hugged her first and then I told her how I wish you were there also. And then Her Jae told me that you were there. All of a sudden, you appeared behind her. You were wearing a white shirt. I think it may have been your uniform. You smiled at me and I just looked at you in the eye. I was so surprised I couldn't say anything. You looked different, but you were handsome as always. You looked like you've gained weight a bit as your cheeks were fuller. Before I could even say anything, my dream was diverted to something else, some kind of a hospital or building. So I don't know what happened after my dream about you.

Although the visit was very brief, I am quite happy. At least I know you were there. I'm sure you visited to let me know  that you're watching over me.

I love you so much baby. I miss you loads. Oh by the way, tomorrow I have a surprise for you. :)

Mommy Tintin

Mama's Visitor

Mama sent me this photo this morning with the caption, "My Angel". I have heard people say before that when a soul visits their loved one, it is normally in a form of butterfly or something. Looking at the photo, it seems to me that this is a moth rather than a butterfly. So, I asked Mama if they had this thing visiting them when you were still here, but she said no, only when you left. I believe her because she and Ading Linus told me it was the black ants that usually visited you before. Besides Mama said that whenever there's a butterfly, a moth or a grasshopper in the house, they always land onto her. This is probably the reason why she thinks it's you. And if it's you, thank you for visiting Mama. I know she needs that.

We miss you so badly and we can only wish that you never left. We love you very very much.

Mommy Tintin

Mama hasn't visited you this week

Mama always tries to visit you as often as she can, but this week she hasn't visited your new house on earth. She was gonna go yesterday but apparently Ading Cxyrelle was throwing a tantrum so she couldn't leave. 

Ading has been quite difficult recently. She cries at the smallest things done to her. I think she has become more sensitive since you left. And whenever she's crying, she doesn't want to speak to anyone except Mama. And Mama told me that she can talk about anything when she's crying. She said she talks like an old woman, ranting about everything and everyone. It actually makes me laugh. Just like yesterday when Ading was at it crying, she told Mama that she (Mama) really doesn't like her (Ading)  because Mama always tells her off and even Kuya Lye. Somehow I feel sad that she feels and thinks that way because it is never true. Of course as parents we would tell you off if you are being naughty. The only difference with you was that you were very rarely being told off when you were still here because you really never gave us the reason to do that. And even when you did, you would just say "Sorry na po, ako na po". Even if it wasn't your fault, you were quick to say sorry. While Ading Cxyrelle and Ading Linus, they will always try to defend themselves, especially if it is not their fault. I think this is also good because they can express themselves. 

I remember when you were still here and if either you or Ading Linus cried, Ading Cxyrelle was always the one comforting you. There was one time when I called and one of you was crying, Ading Cxyrelle said, "tahan na, huwag ka ng umiyak" in her very sweet voice. And Mama then told me that she was caressing your hair while saying that. 

We are very lucky that we have such good kids as you and your Adings. You definitely have different personalities, but you are all equally good. It's just sad that there's just your Adings now. I'm sure they also wish their Kuya was still here. You had good times together, whether you were fighting or not. I am saying all this because it still hurts me to realize that your Adings no longer have their Kuya. Well, Ading Cxyrelle still has Kuya Lye, but Ading Lye no longer has his Kuya Keith, who was his very best-friend.

Ah, I should really stop rumbling. I don't even know what I am talking about. There is so much regret in me. It just hurts to know that you will no longer be here to witness your Adings grow up.

I am crying again now. I have cried for the last two nights. I am just missing you you know. I wish you never left so we could spend more time together. I miss looking at your angelic face, I miss hearing your voice. Ahhh, I miss everything about you.

I don't know how I even got to this. I was just going to tell you that Mama has not visited your new house on earth and I went this far. Never mind.

Just remember I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Mama on the palm of your hand

Among your photos, this is one of my favourite. This was taken on your trip to Naga for the Mathematics Trainer's Guild (MTG), right? I have been looking at this photo for a long time now, and everytime I look at it, I become quite emotional. Mama told me before that this photo was the idea of the person who took it. It doesn't really matter because to me, this photo means something special. It looks like Mama has entrusted herself to you and that you are holding her tight in the palm of your hand. I know that you will always be there for Mama and during those times when she doesn't feel good because she's missing you so much, I believe that you are always there to hold her tight. I know that even if you're now gone, you're always with her, comforting her whenever she needs you, just like when you were here.

I also love this photo because I could see what I call the "dimples" on your knuckles. I really miss playing with those whenever I held your hand. I miss holding your hands and kissing them. Look at those chubby hands and fingers holding Mama. How I wish I could touch them again.

I just want to tell you really that I miss you everyday. You never leave my mind. I love you very much and please visit me soon. I just want to hug you. That's all really.

Mommy Tintin

Kika

On our way to town, I saw this restaurant called "Kika". I suddenly realized that since you left, no one actually calls Ading Cxyrelle "Kika" anymore. You called her Kika as a form of endearment. No one knew why you called her that. It's just that  one day you called her "Kika" and that was it. It's just a shame that no one calls her that anymore, except Daddy Don sometimes.

I remember when I used to asked you if your Ading was there. You would ask me back, "Si Ading Kika po o si Ading Linus?". And when I asked for Ading Cxyrelle, you would call out for her, "Ading Kika! Mommy wants to speak to you". Or if Ading was naughty, you would say, "Bad Kika". I miss that you know. You were the only one who called her that and that's why that nickname is so special to me. Up to now, we still don't now where that name come from. Only you knows. Now, everyone calls Ading Cxyrelle, Cxye.

How I wish they will start calling Ading Kika again. I think it's very sweet. Besides it was you who created that name.

I am missing you so much Keith. Everyday I think of you. Please know that I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Update on your house

You're house is almost finished. I think they're just doing the finishing touches. But Papa told me that they may not be able to move in straight away as it may not be totally finished until January. I think that's better, just in time for your your first angelversary. What do you think about that? 

Anyway, Mama sent me a few photos of the tiles that they are planning to use on  the floors and the bathroom. I wanted it to be all white for the main floors and gray for the bathroom, but I think they want blue. Apparently they want their room to be painted blue as well. They want to see you everywhere in the house. I also mentioned my plan of converting our living room to a gallery when the time comes that I have extra money. Like I told you before, I want all your paintings and your art stuff in there so they're all in one place, kind of like a museum. But I don't think Mama likes that idea as yet because she wants to see "you" anywhere she goes. Eventually I know she will give in to the idea.

Hay, it's just so sad that you're no longer here to experience all this. Soon enough you'll have you're own house, but you will not be able to live in it. I don't know really know what to say. A lot of things have happened since you left. I don't know if this is God's way of showing me the purpose. But I know eventually, things will fall right into place. I am holding on to the hope that one day, God will show me the reason why He took you.

I love you anak ko. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

I just want you to know.....

" There's only one thing I want to do right now.....

To reach you and touch you and tell you how much you really mean to me.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

And I wish one day, I'd near your voice telling me...

How much you missed me too."

- from grieving mothers

I miss you so much anak. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Another trip to heaven

It seems like there are a lot of people writing a book about their near death experience or their trip to heaven. I don't know if I want to read any more of that after reading "Heaven is for real" and "90 minutes in heaven". Although it is reassuring to know that heaven exists and that you are definitely there, it leaves me a feeling of bitterness as you could have just done the same- went to heaven then came back. You know Pastor Don Piper wanted to go back to heaven, but God didn't allow him. I could see why reading from his book, because God wanted him to share his experience to other people and give hope to those who suffered the same unfortunate circumstance (as him). I wonder why God didn't send you back to us. You would have been a very good one to testify about heaven, as you were already an angel on earth so you could have told us what it was like to be a real angel in heaven . Perhaps your mission was accomplished at a very young age. I still believe that you could still have done more though.

Anyway, there is a book coming out at the end of this month entitled "Proof of Heaven" by Dr. Alexander. I have read some reviews about it and it is not as convincing as the other two books that I have read. His description of heaven is kind of different from the others. Well, probably because what I have read so far is just a few lines from the book. It doesn't sound as exciting though, so I am not sure about it.

I have no idea how many more books about heaven I need to read to be totally comforted, you know. I may have regained my confidence about heaven, but I feel like it is not enough that I am reading books to prove it. I don't know what I am looking for. There is something missing. I'm just not sure what it is.

I will think about buying Dr. Alexander's book. Maybe when the book is out, I'll have a quick browse and see if I will like it. But for now, I will leave it at that.

Hey, you haven't visited in a while. I am missing you a lot. Please visit soon so I can hug you again. I love you so much. Please never forget that.

Mommy Tintin

Bruno's New Track

I thought I'd update you with Bruno's new song, "Locked out of Heaven". It's not officially out until December, but I already heard it through youtube. At first I thought it's about someone who was bad and didn't get to heaven, but I was wrong. The title is misleading I think. I don't think you would have liked the song. The tempo is quite different from the usual Bruno song, and it is very adult. We wouldn't have let you listen to the song anyway. And that's for definite! You got away with "Lighters" because we also love the song and apart from the swearing, the lyrics is actually quite meaningful. :)

I don't think I will be sharing  the song with you because it is very inappropriate for you. For now, just carry on listening and singing to your heavenly music.

By the way, I think it may have been Bruno's birthday recently. I keep hoping that one day I will be able to watch his concert for you. I know you would have loved to watch him live. I know how much you loved Bruno and his music.

Well, I will update you once in a while with "earth" music that I know you would have loved to listen to. I haven't spoken to Tito JL lately, so I don't know if he has new songs for you,too.

I miss you so much. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Your Lyre and Mama's First Teacher's Day without you

Pedro M Arce Ecumenical School celebrated teacher's day today. Mama told me that they started the celebration with an early morning parade. You probably already know that Ading Linus has joined the drum and lyre corps. Remember when you were still at the SCMS, he wanted to just hold the flag? But when you left, he decided to follow your footsteps. He said he wanted to do everything that you did. So now, he plays the lyre and he's using yours. When I phoned last night, he was practicing with Ading Cxyrelle. Ading Linus apparently just recently joined and only had two practices, but he is already good. I heard Mama telling him to take care of your lyre because you managed to keep it immaculate. It still looks new according to Mama despite the fact that you've used it for how many years. I couldn't help but feel sad, because Ading Linus in his own little way also wants to keep your memory alive. I am sure he is not even aware that that's what he's doing, but the fact that he is now into things you were into, that's already an indication. How I wish Ading will speak more about you though. But I am sure he is doing something for you.

Now, this is what really made me cry. Remember on teacher's day, pupils line up to give gifts to their teachers? Mama's pupils did that and apparently, Mama was not expecting Ading Linus to be at the end of the line. She was surprised when she saw him. The only word Ading Linus said was, "Mama" and he hugged Mama very tight. So then Mama started crying. I know this is Mama's first teacher's day without you. I really admire Ading Linus, because even if he doesn't say anything, I know that he is trying his best to fill in your shoes. I know he will never be you, because you two are very different. Recently I noticed that Ading Linus has matured a little bit. Whenever I call home, he is not as makulit as before and he is very patient with Ading Cxyrelle. I really feel sad because I know he knows when Mama needed a hug and at that moment in school, even if Ading didn't have to be there, he went because he knew Mama needed comfort. I thought that was very sweet of Ading. Well, he is naturally sweet anyway.

Ading Cxyrelle on the other hand went to see Mama but she didn't hug her. She probably saw her crying that's why. You know how Ading is like/ She doesn't like seeing anyone cry.

Ah, that really started me crying. Now I miss you even more. Please baby know that we love you so much and we will do everything we can to keep your memory alive. We miss you every single day.

Mommy Tintin