We Are Missing You

I found myself crying in the toilet this afternoon. I remember what Mama wrote on her facebook status yesterday and the other day. I have tried my very best not to think about it, but it has been very difficult. I know how much they are missing you back home. You spent more time with them than with me. So if I am feeling like this, for sure they feel  much much worse.

On Monday, Mama wrote something about how you used to talk to her when you woke up each morning. Things like, "Good morning, Mama. Love you. What's there to eat? Have you eaten Mama? Have you taken a shower? Who's gonna go first, me or you?"  I know deep in my heart how difficult it is for Mama to cope, knowing that you are no longer there to tell her those thoughtful words. She said she misses sharing secrets with you and your naughtiness when you were together. I am aware how close you were to each other. More than she is a mother to you, and you a son to her, you were the best of friends.

Then yesterday, Ading Linus apparently told them that he misses you and that he wanted to see you. He had tears in his eyes when he said that. So I think Mama brought him to your new house on earth, so he can somehow visit you. Then before he went to sleep last night, he was talking to you. Mama heard Ading saying, "Kuya tulog na tayo. May pasok pa tayo bukas. Good night Kuya" (Kuya let's go to sleep. We have school tomorrow. Good night Kuya). Mama couldn't help but cry, and so do I while I am writing this to you. Your brother and your sister are equally sweet as you were. They miss you so much. More so with Ading Linus because you did a lot of things together. Hay anak, it's really hard for all of us.

But you know, we have to be strong for each other. We know you're up there looking down at us. We also know that you will guide us to get through this very difficult journey of having to live our lives without you. We can only wish you were still with us. We miss you terribly.

I think this whole grieving thing will take forever, anak. So please allow me to speak out my grieving through my letters to you. For according to Grieving Mothers, it is extremely important to vent my emotions. Because apparently, according to them, "if my emotions are not released through words, tears and apprehensions, they are bound to find other ways for release which can prove to be very detrimental to my emotional wellness and physical health". I know you won't like that, so I hope you understand if sometimes, (actually a lot of  times) I cry.

We miss and love you so so much. And that is all, anak!

Mommy Tintin

P.S.
Tito JL dreamt about you twice the other night. He said the other one was unbelievable. He has not told me the whole story yet. I can't wait so I can then tell you all about it. Love you, baby!xxx

People are asking if I am okay

I would like think that I have done very well since you have left. I came back to work only a month after. The first week was obviously the worst as I cried whenever people asked me if I was okay. Last week was a bit better, and so far this week I have been good. Perhaps there is no right word to describe how I feel. I can just easily say, I'm good or I'm okay, or even not too bad. But does it really matter to them? I feel that sometimes they're only asking me just for the sake of it. I might be wrong though, maybe they do really care. It's probably just the bitterness I am feeling right now. I think of those people who are worse than me, or us as a family. Why not them, why us? And there I go again, asking why. I shouldn't really but I can't help it.

I don't know. I just thought I need some reassurance to somehow make me feel better. Hence, I searched on the internet for inspiring poems. And here's what I found:

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown

Exactly how I feel sometimes.

On a lighter note, I spoke to Mama again today. She said she has taken your protrait to Joeygene to have it framed. She said it's expensive, but it doesn't matter. Just like I did when you were still with us, I tried to give you everything. Now is no different. I'll do everything for you. But please don't ask me to stop crying or stop feeling sad. Because that's the only thing I can't probably do for you. Not now, anyway.

By the way, Ading Cxyrelle was still awake when I called. She was playing Barbie on the computer. Apparently she only asked for an hour. And while she was playing I could hear her humming a familiar song. Bless her. She was trying to sing it, but perhaps she doesn't know the lyrics. I told Mama to ask her what she was singing, but she said she didn't know. All she said was that it was your song. From what I could hear, it was "Love the Way You Lie" by Rhianna and Eminem. I am not sure though. She was so cute. Ading Linus was already asleep when I called so I was not able to speak to him.

That's it for the day, my baby. Please always remember that we love you. Missing you loads. Hugs and Kisses.

Mommy Tintin

Line to Heaven

When I was checking what's on the internet world this morning, the song Line to Heaven popped in my head. Then I started singing it. Meanwhile, I logged on facebook and came across Mama's status update saying that, "Your brother and sister miss you so much. They want to kiss and hug you just like before". I felt as if I was stabbed in my chest, and  then I started crying as if you've just left us. It's been more than 40 days, but it still hurts the same. Then I decided to look at your photos again. And as much as it hurts looking at them, I have to because I am missing you so much. Just like your adings, I want to kiss you and hug you so badly.

And just like what other grieving mothers (from a page on facebook) have said, some days are better than others. I am amazed at how my emotions change so suddenly, from being lighter yesterday to shedding some more tears today. No one but the grieving mothers understand exactly how I am feeling right now. So I have been reading poems and messages from their websites, just to remind myself that I, Inang and Mama are not alone. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes it just makes it a little worse. I just hope and pray that no other family out there will have to go through what we are going through right now. It is the worst thing imaginable. And perhaps you can see what's inside my heart right now, so I hope you understand why I am sad sometimes. I am so sorry anak. I know you want us to be happy. We have been trying, but as I said our tears only mean that we miss you.

Anyway, so I was singing Line to Heaven and I thought I'd share it with you. This is the only song that I can play on the guitar quite perfectly. Oh well, used to anyway. And the song goes:

Heaven knows I've done no wrong

I only want to sing this song to you

Why did it have to end this way

Only a fool like me could say to you that...

If I ever had a line to heaven I swear

I'd call you there

And if I ever had a line to heaven I swear

I'll be there tonight.

Now where would I be without you now

I have to make it through this life somehow

Only time will tell me so

All the things I need to know somehow.

How do I find the answers

All the questions I've been hiding inside

And all the fun and the laughters

We shared all have to stand beside.

- Introvoys

This is the best video I could find on you tube.

I just called home because I have not spoken to Mama since Saturday. I just wanted to know how she got on with her exams. Ading Linus took the phone call and told me that they were having dinner. I told him I'd call on skype later.

I hope you liked this song. Please pray for us and the other grieving mothers out there - for Father God to give us strength and courage to carry on. Ahhhh, I really miss you. I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Daddy Ran the Marathon For You

Daddy Don started running originally to lose some weight. But then he developed this huge interest in marathon, so he started joining them last year. He would normally just run to have fun and to collect a medal and the freebies, but today was totally different and in fact, more special. Because he was  running for you. 

Some runners ran for a cause. How I wish Daddy has done the same. But at the moment we do not have any particular charity that we want to support. Actually, since you left us, we have thinking of putting up a charity in your memory. This is so we can keep your legacy and help other kids in our area. We are still carefully considering whether it would be for art and music or for Dengue. I am not sure at the moment, but we shall see. I am very much aware of the predicaments involved in this, but I am positive that one day we can make it happen. So please tell Father God to guide us anak. 

Going back to the marathon, Daddy brought Meow-meow with him. It was of course Meow's first marathon. :)

That's Daddy with your name written on his t-shirt and Meow-meow on his hand.

Daddy told me that as he ran by the crowd, they were cheering 

"Go Keith".  

Daddy finished the marathon in 2 hours and 5 minutes. I was so proud of him. I am sure you are too. He has done a good job.

By the way, Ninong Gilbert was with us today at the marathon. This was the first time I saw him after you left us. As usual, we talked so much about you. I know he had a lot of memories with you too. I remember he loved bringing you as his chaperone whenever he would visit a girl, because you were good. You were very patient. You never complained. You just sat there until he was ready to go home. I can actually imagine you sitting on a couch quietly, holding Meow-meow and thumb-sucking. Even Ninong said that  you were different from any other child he knew. Of course, there were tears again as we were talking. But that is really unavoidable. Because the more I talk about you, the more I miss you.

I will never stop loving you.

Mommy Tintin

We're in Bristol

Yes, your Daddy and I are in Bristol for the weekend. He will be running the half marathon in Bath tomorrow. He said he will take Meowmeow with him when he runs.

Before we left for Bristol, I called Inang and Tatang just to make sure your Adings were okay, because Mama has left for Manila for her exam. They were both upstairs when I called. Ading Linus was playing at the computer. I know even if you're not there physically, you are with them in spirit and that you are watching over them. So I am confident that they will be okay.

I think I dreamt about you last night, but it was a bit blurred. I had multiple dreams, so that's probably why I can't clearly remember. I even dreamt about your classmate, X. 

I am missing you so much. I can't stop thinking about you. You are stuck in my head. But I know you're happy where you are, so I guess I'll just have to be happy too. 

I love you so much, Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

40 Days In Heaven

According to Inang, today is your 40th day in heaven. I don't know how she counts it, but I would have thought it would be on Sunday. I don't think it matters that much anyway, for as long as we remember.

I phoned this morning for this reason and just to see how things are over there. Auntie Vicky picked up the phone because everyone was under the mango tree, watching your "leaving" video. I spoke to Inang and Mama only briefly because I didn't want to disturb them. But when they finished watching, your Mama texted me to tell me she was ready to "skype". Papa was also online. This was the first time we skyped properly without you. It's no longer the same, but I have to accept the fact that I will never see you on skype again.  I miss you so much.

I spoke to Ading Linus for a while. Ading Cxyrelle was tired so she was just lying in bed, chatting with Ading Linus at the same time, telling him about how she found it difficult to park a car she was playing on Mama's mobile. She eventually fell asleep. 

Mama told me that Auntie Joy dreamed about you too. Apparently it was your birthday, and Father Pol was having a mass inside. You were sitting in front of Auntie Elma's store. When Auntie Joy saw you, she greeted you happy birthday and asked if you were  going inside. You just said, "dito na lang po" or something like that. You were apparently with an old woman. And that old woman was Ina Lapaz- Inang's mother. Auntie Joy said you looked really, really happy and you were very handsome. 

Speaking of you being handsome, Mama showed me your portrait that I've asked Sir Zaniel to paint. I was like, OMG! It is awesome. It is really you. Mama told me that you looked exactly like that in her dream. Unfortunately, Mama has not taken a picture of it, so I can't show you just yet. 

I have emailed Sir Zaniel today to thank him for the portrait. It was so kind of him to do it for you and for our family. I feel really honoured.

By the way, Mama is heading to Manila in the morning for her exam. Please pray for mama to be successful this time.

And yes, please continue to pray for us. We love you so much baby. We miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Your Portrait

While we were waiting for you be taken to your new place on earth, your art teacher Zaniel came to visit you. I asked him if he could paint you a portrait. He said yes without a second thought. So I gave him your photo that I took when I went home last summer. I took that photo while you were playing on the laptop. I know you are famous for not wanting your pictures to be taken. So I had to tease you to get that smile out of your angelic face. Although your smile seemed forced, that photo remains (one of) my favourite because it reminds me of Mona Lisa. 

I know Mama has already told you that she went to teacher Zaniel's house. He has finished your portrait and it's already at home. I am so excited to see it so as your Daddy, because Mama said that you're really handsome on that portrait and that  you exactly looked like that in her dream the other night. She said she will take a photo of it tomorrow and will send it to me. I can't wait.

I miss you, "Pochongchong" and I think about you all the time. But I guess you'll be happy to know that my heart kind of feel "lighter" today. 

Well, I love you very much.

Mommy Tintin