Ading's all set up for her 7th birthday party!

Mama texted me to say that everything is almost ready for Ading Cxyrelle's 7th birthday party on Saturday. Tito Roman was at the house planning for the decorations and Mama also has spoke to Auntie Gina, who will be the emcee during the party. Mama was asked to write a speech for Ading, but she said she couldn't because she couldn't help but cry. And you probably know why right? Everyone was looking forward for this day as this is your Ading's "debut". You were of course included in all the plans, but unfortunately you will no longer be able to attend physically. But please take your angel friends with you and be with Ading on her birthday. I'm sure she will be very happy to know that you're just around. I know how much she wanted you to be there, alongside Ading Linus as her escorts. I feel really sad that someone is going to be missed on her birthday. But what can we do? You probably would have approved of all the fuss like the cotillion and all the seven dances and stuff, but I'm sure you will just be smiling at her, telling her that she's so "maarte", which you have always called her whenever she wanted to dress up or was acting up. Oh, how they will miss you on that day.

Ading and Mama's friends at school are very helpful. They actually made Ading's invitation. It looks really good. Here i is:

I'm not sure what they're gonna do tomorrow though as tomorrow is Ading's real birthday. The party is on Saturday so all her friends can attend. I will call Ading later to greet her happy birthday.

We miss you loads baby ko. Please remember that we love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

I can almost hear your music playing.... and Mama's dream

So after what, 10 months? Ading Linus has finally decided to open your violin. Mama told me that he was teaching Ading Cxyrelle how to play the violin. Remember you told Mama before that Ading Cxyrelle doesn't need to go to Casa to learn because you were going to teach her? It looks like Ading Linus have felt that and he is filling your shoes in. I know he is not that good as yet, but at least he knows the basics. I can only imagine them holding their violins sat on the bed fiddling with it, with you perhaps just behind them watching them and smiling at them. I am definitely sure you are very happy to see your Adings like that. I just wish you were there physically teaching them, too. Ading Linus is so determined to learn the violin this time. In fact he has even agreed to play at a concert on the 26th of this month. I know I don't have to ask you, but please anak, guide Ading okay? I know he is doing this for you and he will be good at it because he looks up to someone who was the best.

Also the funny thing is, the night before Mama had a butterfly in her room. And today while she was telling me about your Adings playing with the violin, she had a grasshopper. Maybe it's you telling them you were with them and that you're proud of what they are doing. Ah, you are deeply missed anak.

But you know what? Mama kept having bad dreams about you. Most of the time when she dreams about you, you are either sick or really gone (I know you are but you know). Last night she dreamt that you were in the hospital and she was hugging you. You were just saying "Mama", and while she was hugging you, you were gone. Mama wants to know why everytime she dreams about you, it's sad like this. I would like to think that maybe it's a message for all of us that no matter how hard we would have tried that you would have left anyway. To me that's what it means, that we wouldn't have been able to save you no matter what. Perhaps it was really your time to go. I don't know, but how I wish I knew what this is all about. Even now I still have bad dreams but they are not as clear as the ones before. I sleep with Meow and although I dream, I really can't remember anything. My dreams have become really vague. And most of the time when I dream, I am no longer holding Meow so I always end up looking for it.

Anak, you know I miss you so much everyday, and I love you too more than you know.

Mommy Tintin

Finally!

I am very glad that Ading Linus has finally expressed his interest to learn the violin again. He also told Mama that he now wants to learn how to paint. The only thing is that he doesn't want to do it at Casa San Miguel. He wants to do it at home instead. I don't know but since you left, Ading doesn't want to go back to Casa anymore because he said it's not going to be the same without you. This is probably because you had so many memories together over there. I am still hoping though that one day he will move on completely from your loss and decide to go back to the Casa. 

For the meantime, Mama has spoken to Sir Zaniel and he has agreed to teach Ading how to paint. You know when you were still here, I was asking Ading if he too wanted to paint and he said no. Although when I saw some of his drawings I thought he had potentials. But I think Ading has not been as motivated as you were. But then all of a sudden you left and there he is- he wants to do things that you did before. So now, he is very keen to learn how to paint. I think he will start with Sir Zaniel in January. Meanwhile, Ate Glory will teach him the violin. Ading apparently told Mama that he will use your violin this time. This is so sweet of your Ading, but I hope that he's not doing all this because he can't move on from losing you. I hope that he is doing this to keep your legacy, apart from of course because he wants to do it. I don't think anyone forced him to go back to learning the violin because I was asking him before and he said he doesn't want to play anymore. And then all of a sudden he wants to do it again. I actually wanted him and Ading Cxyrelle to start learning the piano again. But if that's (violin) what he wants then it's actually good.

I was just looking at your photos with your Adings on my album and I feel so sad. The times you spent at Casa every Sunday were so precious. Now I understand why Ading Linus doesn't want to go back there. It's going to be so hard for him, and also for Mama.

Anak, please watch over your Adings. I know they miss you very much and it's also hard for them as it is for us. We all miss you and love you so much. Wish you were here.

Mommy Tintin

They miss you, you know

As much as we all want your Adings to not forget you, we are also afraid that they have not moved on from losing you. I know they're only kids, but they are bright kids. They know what happened and they understand it. The fact that you had a very good relationship with them, that you did most if not all things together is one good reason for them to hold on and not let go. They may not speak about you most of the time, but their actions sometimes say it all. And this is the reason why Mama is worried. She knows that Ading Linus is suffering also, but he doesn't show it because he knows that Mama is the same. He doesn't want Mama to suffer more by seeing him sad or anything. But sometimes Mama said that Ading Linus will just hug her and Ading Kika. That's probably when he's missing you. Remember he used to do that to you especially when you're in bed? It's hard for all of us, but it may be harder for your Adings in some ways too.

I'm sure they will never forget you because they loved you and they spent the first 9 and six years of their lives with you. And I know that they will cherish all the memories they have spent with you. Besides, there will always be something that will remind them of you. Just like the other day, someone played "Amazing Grace" and when Ading Cxyrelle heard it, she said "that's my Kuya's music" and then she hugged Mama. Moments like that really hurt so much. They also keep saying that they miss you very much.

Did you know that they are still expecting that one day you'll come back? They are also hoping to see you, you know what I mean. Mama actually asked them if they will not be scared if you appeared to them and they both said no. In fact they will be happy to see you in any way. They have been waiting for you. Maybe it's time to pay them a visit, what do you think? I know you're not going to scare them, although I know that you loved scaring Ading Linus before. But don't do it this time because he is missing you and he just wants to see you. Will you visit them soon please? Just like us I'm sure they just want to hug you. They are constantly thinking about you anywhere they go, in the bus, in the mall, anywhere.

I'm sure you know how much we love you. Our love for you will never change. It can only get stronger. You may not be with us physically, but we know that you are there somewhere looking out on us. We miss you so much all the time, our Kuya Keith.

Mommy Tintin

You are your Ading's inspiration

Obviously.

I was chatting with Papa earlier on and he told me that Ading Linus was chosen to compete at a Poster Making Contest in Cabangan. Apparently he was chosen randomly so he was not able to prepare. He didn't even  have drawing materials but he still joined because he was doing it for you. In fact since you left, Ading Linus has become more active in school. He used to be very shy also when it comes to participating in school activities. But he wants you to be proud of him so he wants to continue what you have started. This is the reason why he started joining competitions at school. He always thinks about you and he obviously looks up to you. Just like when he was at the poster making contest, he apparently couldn't start drawing straight away. Probably because he really didn't expect to be there. So you know what he did? He asked you to help him. Someone apparently heard him say, " Kuya, umpisahan mo nga, tatapusin ko". Haha. And so he managed to draw something and finished it in the end. Thank you for helping Ading.

Mama also told me that Ading was telling stories about you at the contest. He apparently said that if you were the one to draw, it would be really good. Then Ading's friend asked Mama if what would you draw. Mama told him that it has always been difficult to tell what's on your mind. Then Ading's friend answered that you always think deep that's why.

See, your memory lives on. There will always be something that will remind us of you. Moments like this, objects, music, anything. This somehow makes me feel better because it feels like you really never left us. You may not be here physically, but I know you're here. We just need to learn how to listen to you. But saying that, we still miss you so much.

I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Can you keep a secret?

Haha.

Today was Mama and your Adings' bonding day. Ading Cxyrelle's birthday is fast approaching and I think they went to Olongapo to buy some stuff for her birthday. And guess what? Mama told me that Ading wanted two gowns on top of the other seven outfits that she has already planned to wear. I know right? I could see your eyes rolling. But you know how Ading is like. She loves dressing up. Remember, she has a closet just for her gowns. Anyway, so Mama said that her two gowns are worth 5,000 pesos. I'm sure you would have disagreed with that if you were here. You probably have spoken to Ading Kika and told her it's too expensive. And so that's our little secret. I'm sure for the rich it's nothing, but for us working class it's too expensive. But that doesn't matter really as long as Ading is happy. But I know that Papa will not be happy if he finds out about it. Haha.

Ading Kika bought a new pair of white boots while Ading Lye  bought a pair of trainers. As usual, they opted for Chowking for lunch instead of Mc Do or Jollibee. I remember Mama telling me that you didn't like Jollibee much and that you loved eating at Chowking.

Perhaps I just need to get used to seeing just the three of them hanging out. It used to be the four of you, but sadly not anymore. Inang was not able to go with them apparently because she had agreed to pray the rosary for those who have lost a love one. I don't know how else I could describe that as, but you know what I mean.

I'm sure they missed you so much today because you were not with them physically. But I'm sure you were with them in spirit, enjoying the siomai and pancit. 

We miss you so much everyday baby. We love you, okay?

Mommy Tintin

01 November 2011 and today

So today is All Saint's Day in the Philippines and as a tradition, those who have lost a loved one or two would go to the cemetery to light a candle and offer some flowers for their departed ones. When I was back home, I never missed a single visit to our grandparents and Tito Ryan. I was there every year, lighting a candle for them. Since you left though, I started to dread the coming of this day.

Last year, when you went to the cemetery, you took some photos before you left the house and then when you got there. I don't know if this was the first time that Mama took a photo of you because I remember you really don't normally stay there long.

These photos are the most important to me as they were taken only two months before you left us. This is how I will remember you.

It breaks my heart to even remember this photo. I cry whenever I look at it or even if it just comes across my mind. It is so painful for me to see this but I still look at it because I have to be strong. And by doing these things, I am hoping that I will find closure somehow.

I wonder what you had in mind when you were lighting up the candle for Ina Lapaz and Ama Berto. Did you know then that you were going to join them soon? Did you tell them to wait for you at the gate of heaven? Oh how I wish I know what you were thinking at that time. It is just so weird that Mama took this photo of you. You look so peaceful and happy in this photo.

Fast forward November 1, 2012 and here we are.

It's really hard for me to think that this is actually happening a year after the photo above. Never ever imagined it. I don't even know what to say. One day you were lighting a candle for our grandparents, the next we were lighting one for you. How worse could things possibly be? I just wish things never happened the way they did.

Although I was dreading this day, I still took a day off so I could ring Mama and make sure that I was with her and our family at this difficult time. They were there I think as early as 630am. Tito Roman was in charge of the flowers and all the arrangements, as you can see. Your bestfriend Aga, Ate Celine and Auntie Nitz were there early too. They stayed until late afternoon. They just left when I called Mama again. But Aga and Ate Celine wanted to stay longer. Its a shame they don't live very close. As you can see on the photos above, Mama is talking on the phone. She was talking to me. I am really glad that this photo was taken because at least even if I was not there physically, I was still there with them. I was also on the phone when Tito Roman was praying for you. And I am very happy because some of your friends dropped by too. Anthony was the earliest, then Christelle and Her Jae. Tito JL came for lunch because he had to wait for Tito Nonong to come home. It's good because the most important people in your life were there to remember you today. I could not ask for more. Inang was there most of the day too, but when I called she went home for a bit. 

I hope you're happy with what they have done for you today. I know you don't want us to make a big fuss about anything for you, but you are special so please get used to us giving you special attention, okay? Nothing has changed really. We were the same to you when you were still with us. The only difference now is you're not here to object. :)

I have already cried buckets this morning so I am hoping I will not cry anymore today. I miss you so much anak. You know how much I love you, right? 

By the way, do you celebrate this day with all the angels and saints in heaven?Just asking.

Mommy Tintin