Just The Way You Are

I know this is also one of your favourite songs. The other day, I created a facebook page for my letters to you. This is also for our family and friends who would like to send you messages or share any memories with you. So far, Tito JL, Her Jae and Christelle have written on the timeline.


Tito JL shared a video yesterday which really made me cry- again. You know, if you only stayed with us a bit longer, I would have given you a list of songs that I wanted you to play on the violin for me. My wedding march included. I know you will be good at it. 


Anyway, the video is Vitamin String Quartet's tribute to Bruno's "Just The Way You Are". Here is some of my favourite part of the song and its video:

 "When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

'Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile

The whole world stops and stares for a while

Cause boy you're amazing

Just the way you are"

It also just happened that Her Jae posted something on her wall entitled "Keith's Positives". While I was reading through it, I was amazed at how your friend thought about you as a person.  I know that people loved you, just the way you were.

Keith

K-kind
E-enthuciastic
I-interesting
T-trustworty
H-honest
........................................
Ashley

A-adorable
S-sweet
H-helpful
L-lovable
E-energetic
Y-young
........................................
Feria

F-faithful
E-encourangement
R-respectful
I-intelligent
A-amiable
........................................
Farinas

F-friendly
A-artistic
R-righteous
I-industrious
N-neat
A-amazing
S-silent

- by Her Jae

There is not a day that I don't think about you. I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Today is Mother's Day in the UK

And I just want to  thank you.

Because of you I became a mother. Although I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months, you were as if my own. I was there when you were born. In fact, Daddy and I gave you your name Ashley. I may have not been there for you physically most of your life, but I know you knew that I was always there for you. The distance between us was never a reason for me not to fulfill my role as a mother to you. I wished I saw you grew up though. But the phone calls we had from when you were just mumbling your first words to when I could actually ask you about your first crush are some of the moments I will treasure the most. It's really a shame that I have only gone home four times since I came to England. If I only knew that you were going to leave us that soon, I would have made an extra effort to come and see you more often. But regardless of how much little time I have spent with you physically, those times were the best times. 

I also owe my motherhood to your Mama and Papa. They gave me the opportunity to be your Mommy. When I found out that Mama was pregnant, I asked them if I could adopt you.  I don't know but for some reason, I already wanted you to be mine from the moment I found out about you. Of course Mama and Papa were hesitant to begin with because you were their first child. Papa asked me, "What if we won't have any more children?" I told him, "Okay, let's wait until you have another one, then I'll adopt Keith". Luckily, a few years later, Ading Linus came so I asked them again. You have no idea how difficult it was for me to convince them. But after I explained my reason for adopting you, they said yes. So, I legally adopted you when you were four.

You were probably too young to understand what was going on. But I remember when Inang and Mama asked you to change your middle name to F instead of A. You cried because your Ading's middle initial was A and you didn't want to be different from him. Then when you were about 6 or 7, I wanted to take you to England. But when Mama and Inang told you about it, you cried again because you didn't want to leave your Adings behind. You told them you wanted to bring them with you. So, I thought I'd take you when you are older. But God has beaten me to it. I am heartbroken, but perhaps you are in a much better place now. But still....

Ah, this is one of our last photos together. This was taken during a family day out at Megan's resort. I just realized that we actually do not have a lot of photos together - just you and me. How I wish I could have taken more photos with you. :(

No words can ever express how fortunate I am to be your mother. You were a child any mother would wish to have. You were (almost) perfect in every way. I say "almost" because apparently, nobody's perfect. 

Thank you anak for being the son I could always be proud of. Please also thank Jesus for giving you to me. You were the most wonderful gift I have ever recieved. And thank you for the 11 blessed years I have spent with you.

Because of you, I now know how to be a mother. And I promise to continue being a mother to Ading Linus and Ading Cxyrelle, and of course to your future sister  or brother (from me and Daddy Don). 

I am missing you loads. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Your Recitals

Remember Lola Heling? I went to visit her today. I have not seen her since I came back from the Philippines. Of course we talked about you. I guess you will always be a part of every conversation I have with our family and friends.    After we had lunch, I noticed Lolo's piano. Lola Heling told me that she was actually hoping that you would play the piano for her if ever you came to London. Then I told her about the recital your Daddy and I watched the other night. The conversation I had with her about the piano and the recital reminded me of your own recitals with Ading Linus. So when I got home this afternoon, I looked for the videos that Tito JL saved on my macbook.

I don't know when was this taken. I will ask Mama when I speak to her. I feel sad because I never got to watch you perform live. As much as I didn't want to cry while I was watching this video, I really couldn't help it. I was smiling to begin with, but my tears started to fall towards the end of your performance. Then when it was Ading's turn, I smiled again. Ading is so cute, isn't he? Daddy actually said that he has a very natural way of holding the violin. He plays it better than you apparently. But I guess Ading doesn't have the patience and perseverance that you have. Ah, maybe you can help him with that, especially now that he wants to go back to Casa again.

You were wearing the same shirt you wore when you went home to Jesus in this video. Mama told me that this was your favourite shirt. I'm glad I bought it for you. On your left is your best-friend A. I bet he misses you too. Every time I watch your videos or look at your photos, it feels like you really never left us. You look so alive! It's just that we will never be able to kiss and hug you - until we meet again. How I wish Mama has more videos of you playing the violin. Oh, I think she has more. But maybe they're all in your netbook. So please help them to fix it so we can watch them again.

I can watch your videos over and over again. And oh, I also found some pictures when you were younger. You were so adorable. Ahhhh, I miss you so much.

I have to go anak. It's 11pm and I still haven't had supper. Please remember that I love you. Send my love to Jesus.

Mommy Tintin

Skype Day Friday

Even when you were still here, Friday has been our skype day. It is the most convenient time to catch up because Papa is on a day off on Fridays and it's the weekend the following day so everyone can stay up late.

As it is Friday today, I skyped with Mama and Papa. It was almost 8pm (Philippine time) when we started because Mama and your adings got home late. Ading Linus apparently wanted to play a bit longer with AJ.

Ading Linus apparently asked Mama today what she and your Titos did when they found out that you have left us forever. That was really random. I would not expect Ading Linus to ask questions like that. I mean, what would be the best answer to give an eight year old? Mama told him she couldn't recall anything. But she told him she remembered when she hugged you the last time. And then Tatang arrived to pick them up. Maybe Mama will be able to tell Ading more about it when he's older.

Papa on the other hand is very well I think. He sounded as if he has fully accepted that you are no longer with us. In fact he has been telling Mama to move on. He said at least we still have your Adings. There are other parents out there who have lost their only child. Somehow he is right. But not having you around is still not the same. Things would have been better if you're still here. But what can we do?

By the way, Mama and Ading will be going to Olongapo tomorrow to buy a monitor for the desktop. Both computers are not working at the moment, even your netbook. Please anak, do something about your netbook. We know you have a lot of stuff there and we don't want to lose them.

You will also be pleased to know that Ading Linus told Mama that he will play the violin again. And Ading Cxyrelle has also expressed her willingness to learn the instrument and pursue painting. You taught Ading Kika how to mix colours and paint, right? Your memory will live forever through this anak. Your Adings will never forget you, because they love you very much. They still very much think about you. In fact, whenever they eat something, they never fail to offer you because they said, humihingi ka raw. That's sweet, don't you think?

Meanwhile, your Daddy and I went to watch another recital. I miss you even more. Remember when I told you before that if Daddy and I get married in a church, you would play my wedding march on the violin? I thought about that while we were watching, and I started crying. 

I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Something to Make You Smile

By now, you should already know the amount of time I spend on facebook. Haha. Well, last night I read from Kris TV's facebook page that they are looking for a gifted or wonder child. While I thought of your former Casa friend Julian, I realized that he is already known to be a gifted child. But then I thought about you too. For the first time, I was not sure what a gifted or wonder child mean. You were definitely gifted, and perhaps a wonder kid. But I am uncertain on what they are looking for. One thing is for sure, you were a gift to us and you were special.

I am saying this because I wanted to write to Kris TV and share your story with them. Although you're no longer with us, I still want people to know how wonderful you were. Because I know that you will definitely inspire them. At 11, you have already accomplished a lot of things. And that makes you different from any other children.

What do you think? Should I write to Miss Kris or not? Haha. I can imagine you smiling right now. This kind of thing embarrasses you.  I know you never wanted to be the center of attraction, but anak you deserve it. You probably didn't realize how inspiring you were. Just so you know.....

Wait, do I have to say how good of a boy you were? Perhaps I can just say that you were literally an ANGEL. And that says it all.

- You read the Bible, prayed the rosary and collected prayer books. You were an altar boy and a choir member. You  went to church on Sundays even on your own. In other words, you were really religious.

- You took care of everything that God created, even those that hurt you.

- You read about animals, fish and diseases. In fact, you have read all the science encyclopedias at home.

- You loved music and funny videos.

- You also got into cartooning and journalism.

- You joined academic and art competitions, representing your school.

- You represented your school at the Mathematics Trainer's Guild in Naga  last year.

- You were a Student Council officer.

- You were a painter.

- You played the violin, piano and lyre.

Is this enough to prove that you were a gifted child? What do you think? I will speak to Daddy when I get home and see what he says. But honestly, I really want them to know you. :)

I'm now on the bus on my way home to London and all I can think about is you. As always, I miss you, and I love you.

Mommy Tintin

We Are Missing You

I found myself crying in the toilet this afternoon. I remember what Mama wrote on her facebook status yesterday and the other day. I have tried my very best not to think about it, but it has been very difficult. I know how much they are missing you back home. You spent more time with them than with me. So if I am feeling like this, for sure they feel  much much worse.

On Monday, Mama wrote something about how you used to talk to her when you woke up each morning. Things like, "Good morning, Mama. Love you. What's there to eat? Have you eaten Mama? Have you taken a shower? Who's gonna go first, me or you?"  I know deep in my heart how difficult it is for Mama to cope, knowing that you are no longer there to tell her those thoughtful words. She said she misses sharing secrets with you and your naughtiness when you were together. I am aware how close you were to each other. More than she is a mother to you, and you a son to her, you were the best of friends.

Then yesterday, Ading Linus apparently told them that he misses you and that he wanted to see you. He had tears in his eyes when he said that. So I think Mama brought him to your new house on earth, so he can somehow visit you. Then before he went to sleep last night, he was talking to you. Mama heard Ading saying, "Kuya tulog na tayo. May pasok pa tayo bukas. Good night Kuya" (Kuya let's go to sleep. We have school tomorrow. Good night Kuya). Mama couldn't help but cry, and so do I while I am writing this to you. Your brother and your sister are equally sweet as you were. They miss you so much. More so with Ading Linus because you did a lot of things together. Hay anak, it's really hard for all of us.

But you know, we have to be strong for each other. We know you're up there looking down at us. We also know that you will guide us to get through this very difficult journey of having to live our lives without you. We can only wish you were still with us. We miss you terribly.

I think this whole grieving thing will take forever, anak. So please allow me to speak out my grieving through my letters to you. For according to Grieving Mothers, it is extremely important to vent my emotions. Because apparently, according to them, "if my emotions are not released through words, tears and apprehensions, they are bound to find other ways for release which can prove to be very detrimental to my emotional wellness and physical health". I know you won't like that, so I hope you understand if sometimes, (actually a lot of  times) I cry.

We miss and love you so so much. And that is all, anak!

Mommy Tintin

P.S.
Tito JL dreamt about you twice the other night. He said the other one was unbelievable. He has not told me the whole story yet. I can't wait so I can then tell you all about it. Love you, baby!xxx

People are asking if I am okay

I would like think that I have done very well since you have left. I came back to work only a month after. The first week was obviously the worst as I cried whenever people asked me if I was okay. Last week was a bit better, and so far this week I have been good. Perhaps there is no right word to describe how I feel. I can just easily say, I'm good or I'm okay, or even not too bad. But does it really matter to them? I feel that sometimes they're only asking me just for the sake of it. I might be wrong though, maybe they do really care. It's probably just the bitterness I am feeling right now. I think of those people who are worse than me, or us as a family. Why not them, why us? And there I go again, asking why. I shouldn't really but I can't help it.

I don't know. I just thought I need some reassurance to somehow make me feel better. Hence, I searched on the internet for inspiring poems. And here's what I found:

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown

Exactly how I feel sometimes.

On a lighter note, I spoke to Mama again today. She said she has taken your protrait to Joeygene to have it framed. She said it's expensive, but it doesn't matter. Just like I did when you were still with us, I tried to give you everything. Now is no different. I'll do everything for you. But please don't ask me to stop crying or stop feeling sad. Because that's the only thing I can't probably do for you. Not now, anyway.

By the way, Ading Cxyrelle was still awake when I called. She was playing Barbie on the computer. Apparently she only asked for an hour. And while she was playing I could hear her humming a familiar song. Bless her. She was trying to sing it, but perhaps she doesn't know the lyrics. I told Mama to ask her what she was singing, but she said she didn't know. All she said was that it was your song. From what I could hear, it was "Love the Way You Lie" by Rhianna and Eminem. I am not sure though. She was so cute. Ading Linus was already asleep when I called so I was not able to speak to him.

That's it for the day, my baby. Please always remember that we love you. Missing you loads. Hugs and Kisses.

Mommy Tintin