Henry VI in Macedonian

Your Daddy and I just got home from watching a play at the Shakespeare Theatre. I don't know if you would have liked theatres. We really never talked about it. Everything that I wanted you to know was music and art. Honestly, I was really never into stage plays until we moved to London. And I am glad that your Daddy is into these things because otherwise I will never have the experience. 

So tonight we watched Henry VI in Macedonian. There were no more tickets left for the English language so we opted for this one. Can you believe it? The play was in Macedonian. Although I didn't understand a single word the actors were saying, their actions were enough for me to follow the story. The actors played their respective roles very effectively. I have always admired theatre actors because it's just amazing how they can remember all their lines and talk for almost two hours. Not only that, they also have to project- they laugh, they cry, they get angry, they sing, they dance and more. And then there are no second takes. Unbelievable!

Daddy managed to get the cheapest tickets at 5 pounds each. Yes it was cheap but it meant that we should be standing to watch the play. And that's for two hours. I didn't mind because we got value for our money. We were stood right in front of the stage. Daddy was even able to rest his elbows on the stage. That's how close we were. The actors were actually making eye to eye contach with us. It was really cool. We could almost touch the actors. And then it was an open stage, meaning that you could actually see the sky while watching. It was such a great experience.

Then after the show, we realized that the director of the play was in the audience. So we approached him and congratulated him. Daddy was able to get his email address and one of the professor's contact number. Of course we took a picture with him afterwards. I had so much fun but in between I was thinking about you, wondering if you would have loved the play. 

I miss you so much anak. I love you. 

 Mommy Tintin

She's Gotten Over You

There was this girl who had a huge crush on you. I bet you knew about it. But knowing you, you probably just ignored her all those times. 

Anyway, I was chatting to this girl earlier on today and she told me that she's apparently over you. Actually, I am not sure how our conversation got that far because she only asked me when I would be going home next. When I said hopefully next year on your first angelversary, that's when she said she has gotten over you. I was so taken aback that I had to ask her what she meant by that. She explained that she no longer has a crush on you and that she's not sad anymore. But despite that, she still misses you. Apparently she's 50/50 on having a crush on you and on being sad. She's so cute, right? Well, I just told her that she also needs to move on now because you're no longer here anyway. All I asked her was not to forget you. I really don't mind them not having a crush on you anymore, but I want them to always remember you.

Ahhh, kids nowadays. During my time, I kept all my crushes to myself. I was so embarrassed to let anyone know, even my closest friends. Now, kids your age are surprisingly more open about their feelings towards the opposite sex. I remember at your wake, your friends were saying that you widowed a lot of girls. Actually, they were mentioning the names of all the girls that apparently had a crush on you. And there was not only one or two huh ?! See anak, you were a "crush ng bayan". And I will always be proud of that. Sayang lang, maswerte sana yung naging girlfriend mo. But still, I am sure you left someone behind. Whoever she is, just watch over her.

Talking about this topic reminds me one of the songs that I like, "I'll Never Get Over You, Getting Over Me" by Expose.

I know that I should get on with my life

But a life lived without you could never be right

As long as the stars shine down from the heaven

As long as the river runs to the sea

I'll never get over you getting over me

I tried to smile so the hurt won't show

Tell everybody I was glad to see you go

But the tears just won't go away

Loneliness found me looks like it's here to stay

This is really a song for those who are not moving on from a broken relationship. Perhaps you had this one song that you dedicated to your crush, hey? Nah, I am only teasing you. 

Well anak, it's time for me to go to bed now. I really miss you a lot. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

Thank You for a Lighter Day

I phoned home this morning and spoke to Mama and Inang. It seems like everything is good again now. Mama and I just laughed about what happened. Then I spoke to Inang and we talked about memories with you. The first thing that we talked about was when Inang took you and your Adings to Iba last December. Apparently you were eating and Inang said, "Inilipad na ng hangin yung 1,500 ko". You apparently jokingly asked her, "Asan Inang?" and then you looked up the ceiling and laughed. Inang told me that she misses you so much, especially the way you used to tease her. She also proudly remembers when she asked you if you would look after her when she gets old and if you would wash her bottom. Without second thoughts, you assured her you would. Inang will forever be proud of you for your willingness to wash her bottom when she no longer can. :)

Then we talked about your house. It's almost finished. I know you'll be glad to know that. Inang remembered when you were telling them you would like to have your own house. According to her, you were telling Ading Linus not to spend so much money and to save instead so you could buy nails to build your house. That was really sweet of you. Hayyy, we're missing you loads.

Before I end this letter, I would like to apologize for what I have written in the last two days. I was just so upset that things were not right. You know when you're grieving you can only take so much. Grieving alone is a challenge. Anything on top of that is beyond unfair. Any grieving person should not face any more trials until they have properly grieved, or should not be given any more trials at all. I know this is impossible, but if God is listening He should at least consider. I know I am talking rubbish, but it's just not fair.

But as I said, I feel lighter today that I was able to speak to Mama and I am happy to know that she's okay. I was not able to chat with her and Papa this afternoon because I had to go out to meet up with a friend. But tomorrow is Friday, so it's skype day!

I know you're okay where you are. Please look upon us especially your Adings. Anak, will you thank God for me for making things better please? And thank you also for always being there for us.

We miss you so much and we will love you forever.

Mommy Tintin

Keep the Faith

or should I? It's as if it was not enough that you were taken away from us. It was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to our family. But it seems like the challenge really didn't end up there. Perhaps it's all part of this annoying thing they call "grieving". How are things going to get better though, when you have not actually finished grieving, and here comes another challenge again? When will I ever stop asking "why" when I feel like I am being punished most of the time? Yes I know I have been told and made to believe that I should not take what happened to you as a punishment from God. But can you blame me with what our family is going through right now? Why are they not being fair? There are people out there who have done a lot of evil things. Why are they being spared from all the heartaches and the sufferings? We have already lost a wonderful child, isn't that enough to pay whatever we had to pay? How can I keep the faith?

I wish I can just easily pour out eveything in this letter. But no, I won't do that as I am still hoping that things will be sorted soon. It's more difficult because things happened when I was away from Daddy so I have not managed to tell him anything yet. I am not sure if I will though because I don't want to burden him with my own problems. As much I would like to speak to someone about it, I don't have a lot of friends here. And even if I do, will they understand me the way I want them to? There is just this one friend at work who knows what's going on. Only because she saw me break down in tears yesterday. I didn't have a choice other than to tell her what's going on because it was getting too much to bear. Perhaps if I didn't open up to her, I would have gone home because I was not emotionally stable to work at that time anymore. But I also didn't want to go home because I didn't want to bother people in the house that I am staying at the moment. They already have their own stuff to sort out. But I am really glad that I told my friend about it because she was able to reassure me and I felt better afterwards. 

Then the other night I dreamed about you. It was at your wake. For some reason they move your "bed" to a different position. I was so anxious about the dream so I told my friend about it. She told me that it may have something to do with what's going on at the moment. Something that may have disturbed you somehow. I am sorry anak if we are bothering you. Please let us know what to do. Speak to us in our dreams. Please. I also had another dream last night. Apparently we were celebrating your birthday at home. There were a lot of people outside the house, in the street in fact. Your Adings were playing while Mama was giving a speech. She was sharing your memories with us and your Adings. Then some old people played the violin. Someone asked why we didn't hire proper violinists, but Mama told them that we are saving it for your first birthday in heaven. Would you like Ate Glory or your friends from Casa to play the violin on your first angelversary anak? Just let me know so I can invite them, okay?

I think I may have to end my letter here. I have not been feeling very well for the last few days. I don't know but I have been having headaches, feeling dizzy and sick all the time. And this afternoon, I started having pain on my left lower abdomen. The pain is gone now but I still don't feel right. But don't worry, Mommy will be okay.

Please anak help me to hold onto my faith. Perhaps I'm not praying hard enough that's why God doesn't hear me. But then again, doesn't He know already what I need before I ask? I don't know anak. I am so confused at the moment. Please speak to God and ask Him to guide us. Thank you anak ko.

Hope...Keep the Faith

In times of darkness there is still light 

Never ever give up just stand up and fight 

Hold on to your courage and give it all that you've got 

Dont ever let anyone tell you what u are or what your not 

They discriminate because your different but 

don't worry they just hate you cause your beautiful 

When you feel like ur falling and there is nothing 

left hold on to you hope and take a deep breath 

No worries pain dont last always 

And when you have to cry don't be ashamed 

Everyone cries sometime 

I know I do 

If you lose everything that you have 

just pick up you heart 

and hold onto you sanity and rebuild 

You can make it just keep the faith 

by Shalonda Hunter

Mommy is missing you more each day. I love you more than you'll ever know. It sounds like a song but I do anak.

Mommy Tintin

Things are not right

Well anak, I don't even know where to start. Perhaps I will spare you from everything that's happening right now. It's really not fair on you. But soon I promise, I will tell you everything. It's just so hard at the moment I don't even know what to say. I didn't see this coming anak. I thought what happened to you would bring hope, but at the moment it's giving me a heart ache. But I am not giving up. I know this is but temporary. With your help and God's help, we will get through this. For now, this is all I can say:

" Grief, has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown aprt and all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don't know how. You can't see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don't understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble for you can do nought else and you cry, like you have never cried in your life before and you thinnk why me, why this?

And somehow without knowing how you uncurl yourself and brush yet more tears from your face and you walk. You begin to pick up a shard, a broken piece of your life here and a broken piece there. They don't fit together anymore, they can't. There is no going back to what once was. And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else. Your pieces have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broekn you, the loving you and the wonderful you."

 - from the Grieving Mothers

Please anak sk Father God to guide us and to give us hope. Thank you and I love you very much no matter what. I am missing you terribly. How I wish you never left us.

Mommy Tintin

100 Days in Heaven

Wow it's now 100 days since you left us. Time flies really fast. This has been a roller coaster ride for all of us. Although I believe that things have gone a bit better since, the pain remains very strong sometimes especially when we are missing you so much. I bet this is going to be a lifetime journey for us. For the meantime, let me tell you about my journey so far.


I can compare my grieving to that of the fickle English weather. Sometimes I feel gloomy, other times lighter (or brighter).

When I feel gloomy, all I want is to stare at your photos and cry until perhaps you comfort me. Then the bitterness comes rushing through, and I will start asking "why"- "Why our family, Why Keith?". A lot of times I try to answer my own questions - "maybe you were too good to be on earth, maybe you really didn't belong to us, maybe......". But who knows exactly why you were taken this soon? Only God knows, right? Someone told me to wait two years and then I will start finding answers to my questions. So, all I have to do now is wait patiently and hope for the best that in two years, things will finally become clearer.

Ah, many times I think that losing you is my karma. Honestly, I still keep thinking about that. Then again I don't think I have done that bad to deserve this karma (if it were). It is too much of a karma for me. Other people  are definitely worse. Why are they not the ones being punished instead of me? My friend hates it when I start talking about punishments and karma. Apparently I should not look at what happened that way. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it especially when people are being horrible to me or to other people. It's so unfair! But perhaps such is life.

Anyway, some days are still lighter than others I must say. 

Recently, I came up with "Keith Lighter" days. I don't know why. All I know is that one day I was wishing my facebook friends to have a "Keith Lighter" week ahead or something like that. Perhaps when you're grieving, you tend to associate your loved one with anything that you could think of. For me this is because I don't want people to forget you. Some people may not understand this but if you're a grieving mother, for people to forget your child is the least thing you want to happen. 

Anyway, in 100 days I have written you 73 letters. My letters to you have become a big part of my grieving process. I find solace in talking to you through letters. At first I thought it's going to be hard, but as soon as I started writing, I felt better. Not to say that the grieving is over, but the journey to recovery is a bit easier now that I am able to share it with you and others.

So in that 100 days, I have managed to:

1. Go back to work in a week after coming back from the Philippines. People have been telling me that others needed at least 6 months off work to grieve. This only means that I did and still doing well.

2. Put back that (close-up) smile on my face no matter how hard it is to think that you are no longer here.

3. Look back at my memories with you with a smile, although sometimes I still cry.

4. Do and enjoy the normal things that I used to do. I was not able to enjoy going out for a while since you left.


5. Enroll myself to a Positive Thinking class.


6. Reach out to other Grieving Mothers all over the world.


7. Somehow raise awareness on Dengue Virus in my own little way.


8. Write about other inspiring angels like you.


9. Create a Facebook Page for my letters to you and gain 158 likes.


10. Talk about you without crying.


11. Take Meow-meow to an adventure.


12. Run 10k because of you.


13. Find Compassionate Friends here in London and in Manila. I will have my first meeting with them hopefully in June. I wanted Mama and Inang to attend the Manila meeting but Papa disapproves of the idea. 


14. Establish a relationship with your friends.


15. To become a better person. 


And this is all because of you.


I am sure the rest of our family have also done their own thing since you left. And I can assure you that majority of them is for the better.


I love you so much Pochongchong. Missing you everyday of my life.


Mommy Tintin

Another Angel gone too soon

Anak, this is Kuya Mark Doria. He went home to Jesus yesterday. He was 22. What happened to him was tragic. He was on his motorcycle with another friend and they had a road accident. Unfortunately, Kuya Mark did not survive. His friend remains in the hospital with multiple injuries.

I found out about him through facebook. I don't really know him, nor his family, but he is from our town. Mama told me that he was also Ate Shasha's classmate in high school. 

When I heard about the sad news, my heart broke all over again. It must be really hard for his family. I know because I have been there and still not done with it yet. 

According to what I have read in facebook, Kuya Mark was already an angel to his family before he was taken away from them. Apparently he was a good son and he was mabait too. Now I really wonder why God takes the good ones first. Honestly. And look, Kuya Mark is also good looking, right? Just like you anak ko. I don't really get it. Is God trying to send us a message by taking back Angels on earth?

Please watch out for Kuya Mark anak. Just introduce yourself to him. Maybe he already knew you. And please pray for his friend. May she recover fully- physically and mentally. 

I love you anak. I miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin