I Am Missing You

I was looking at Mama's profile picture on facebook during my lunch break and it felt like you have never left us. Although you were not smiling on that photo, your face was beautiful. I suddenly realized that the next time I go home, I will no longer be able to pinch your cheeks and kiss your lips, sit you on my lap and hug you. I will no longer hear your heavy footsteps. I will no longer hear your crunchy laugh. I will no longer see your little firm bottom. I will no longer be able to tease you. I will no longer be able to.....ah, too much no longer.

I still don't really know why God has to take you too soon. If only I have known, I would have begged him to leave you with us for a little bit longer, just a bit longer. I am sure He witnessed how much we loved you and cared for you. And I am sure he knew that we would have done the same. In fact, if only He has given us another chance, we would have done more just to keep you. Can you please ask God if He can tell us why He has taken you away from us without warning? We would really love to know. Then we will be able to fully move on. If only......

Anyway, a song popped in my head when I was whispering "I miss you" to you. The song has swear words in it unfortunately, but I will delete them for you because I know you don't want saying or hearing them.

I'LL BE MISSING YOU

by Puff Daddy

Every day I wake up

I hope I'm dreaming

I can't belive this ___

Can't belive you ain't here

Sometimes it's just hard for a ___ to wake up

It's hard to just keep going

It's like I feel empty inside without you being here

I would do anything man, to bring you back

I'd give all this ____, the whole knot

(I saw your son photo today

He look just like you You look like an angel you know

You was were the greatest

I miss you big Keith

Can't wait till that day, when I see your face again

I can't wait till that day, when I see your face again.

This right here (tell me why)

Goes out, to everyone, that has lost someone

That they truly loved (cmon, check it out)

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show

I laced the track, you locked the flow

So far from hanging on the block for dough

Notorious, they got to know that

Life ain't always what it seem to be

Words can't express what you mean to me

Even though you're gone, we're still a team

Through your family Adings, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right)

In the future, Can't wait to see

If you open up the gates for me

Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend son

Try to black it out, but it plays again

When it's real, feelings hard to conceal

Can't imagine all the pain I feel

Give anything to hear half of your breath

I know you still living your life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make

Every single day, everytime I pray

I'll be missing you

Thinking of the day, when you went away

What a life to take, what a bond to break

I'll be missing you

It's kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smiling down

Watching us while w epray for you

Every day we pray for you

Till the day we meet again

In my heart is where I keep you friend son

Memories give me the strength I need to proceed

Strength I need to believe

My thoughts big Keith I just can't define

Wish I could turn back the hands of time

Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks

You and me taking flicks

Making hits, stages they receive you on

I still can't belive you're gone.....

I am thinking that maybe Tito JL will like this song. I will post it on his wall tonight when I get home. The lyrics is exactly how I am feeling. This song was written by Puff Daddy for his friend who got killed. I first heard this song a long time ago but I only realized how good it is now that I am missing you.

All I wanted to say really is I miss you so so much. I love you more than words can say.

Mommy Tintin



You Visited Papa

I am on skype with Papa, Mama and your Adings right now. Papa told us that he dreamed about you last night. You were apparently playing basketball with him and Ading Linus. You didn't say anything, you were just laughing softly. I bet you you get to play basketball up there too, only with other angels. But you probably miss playing with your Adings and Tito JL. And speaking of Tito, he went to church today. He asked Jesus to say hi to you and to tell you that he misses you so much. I hope you got the message.

I have been reading a lot of poems and letters about Angels. Today I would like to share this with you:

You're An Angel

by Kid

You're an Angel that nobody can see

Still an Angel is what you are to me

An Angel from heaven is what you are

In my sky you're definably a heavenly star

You're an Angel with beauty and grace

You're kind and sweet, you have an Angel face

You have very graceful angel wings

Happiness and joy are just some things

that an angel can give

In my heart and mind is where you're living

You have hair as soft as the white clouds

A guardian angel is what I've gotten.

Your eyes are like sapphires that shine bright

When everything is dark, you give me light.

You're an angel that gives me a reason to live,

You're an angel that teaches me to give.

You're an angel that teaches me the right things to say

You're my angel and I'll always care.

You're my angel and you know I'll always be there.

Today is Keith Lighter Sunday. I kind of like the idea of making other people's days lighter through you.

I love you anak ko. Missing you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Our Songs For You

Although Daddy Don actually did not spend much time with you, he remains greatly affected by your passing. Sometimes he tells me he's missing you and tears will suddenly start filling the corners of his eyes. Recently, he has been working on some stuff for you. I am actually surprised as I didn't realize how much he thinks about you. When we woke up this morning, he showed me a compilation of songs that he thinks can help him when he's missing you. Here is some of the  songs that I have chosen from his playlist.

Sweet Child O' Mine - Bon Jovi

She's He's got a smile that it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her his face

She He takes me away to that special place

And if I stare too long, I'd probably break down and cry

......Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go?

Nobody Knows - The Tony Rich Project

"I pretended I'm glad you went away

These four walls closing more everyday

And I'm dyin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away

Now my world is just a tumblin' down

I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody know it but me"

How To Save a Life - The Fray

-This is my personal song for you. I just added it on the list.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you"

When September Ends - Green Day

"here comes the rain again

falling from the stars

drenched in my pain again

becoming who we are

as my memory rests

but never forgets what I lost

wake me up when September ends"

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

"I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams

When the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk alone"

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life."

3 am - Rob Thomas

" And she say, " Baby, it's 3 am, I must be lonely"

Well, Heaven she says, "baby, well, I can't help

But be scared of it all sometimes

And the rain's gonna wash away what I believe in"

- I sometimes wake up between 3 and 4 in the morning thinking about you.

Songbird - Eva Cassidy

"For you there'll be no crying 

For you the sun will be shining 

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you 

It's all right I know it's right 

And the songbirds keep singing 

Like they know the score 

And I love you I love you I love you 

Like never before "

Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chilli Pepper

"I don't ever wanna feel

Like I did that day

Take me to the place I love

Take me all the way

I don't ever want to feel

Like I did that day

Take me to the place I love

Take me all that way"

Everyday - Agot Isidro (Cover by Madonna Decena)

"everyday ill always love you

everyday im always thinking of you

everyday's another lonely day without you

everyday you're here beside me

everyday im always dreaming of you

everyday i will be right here waiting for you

everyday...."

I hope you enjoyed reading this. I wanted to share the videos instead but I am not sure if it's going to work well. I will try next time.

By the way, Ading Cxyrelle got an award - Best in Socialization. Haha. You probably are smiling right now because you know that Ading used to make her classmates cry a lot. But she apparently told Mama that she is no longer like that. :)

And you already know that Mama dreamt about you last night. She said you were an angel in that dream. I am not surprised because you were and still an Angel.

Good night my baby. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

What not to and to tell an Angel Mom

For the last few weeks, I have spoken to a lot of people about you. They all have different ways of showing their compassion towards me. Some of them say it in words, others just simply by hugging me. I have one friend who has really comforted me a big deal. To be honest, she is one of the only few people whom I can speak comfortably with anything about you. She listens to my every story very patiently, and she never gets tired of hearing your name. And I thank God for people like her.

Today I found a poem by Judi Tawny Walker that somehow contradicts some of the things that are helping me cope with not having you around. Perhaps what may comfort me won't necessarily comfort other people. So for you to understand what I am trying to say, below is the copy of the poem. Honestly, sometimes at worst times, I feel like no words can ever comfort my broken heart. But then it is only but temporary. There will always be better days.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too,

Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true,

Please don't tell me my baby is in a better place,

Though it is true, I want her him here with me,

Don't tell me someday I'll hear  her  his voice, see her his face,

Beyond today I cannot see,

Don't tell me it is time to move on,

Because I cannot,

Don't tell me to face the fact she he is gone,

Because denial is something I can't stop,

Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more,

Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,

I'll never be as I was before,

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,

That you will listen when I talk of my child,

You can share with me my precious memories,

You can even cry with me for a while,

And please don't hesitate to say her his name,

Because it is something I long to hear everyday,

Friend please realize that I can never be the same,

But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

I hope you're doing well up there. No one has heard anything from you in a while. Maybe it's time for you to visit us again. By the way, I met two Keith(s) today. They're both my patients. Although someone has upset me today, I still feel alright because I am seeing your name all the time. You're normally always in my mind anyway, but seeing it wirtten on the board is quite a bonus for me.

Have I told you I am missing you more each day? I love you always, Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

Simsimi

You probably haven't heard of Simsimi before. I only found out about it few days ago from my friends who posted their conversations with it on their facebook walls. Simsimi is an advanced chatting robot. It is an application that is availabe  for iPhone, Android and any computer that has iTunes. I only have used it twice so far and I find it very entertaining. Simsimi replies to my messages quicker that anybody that I have actually chatted online,haha! But sometimes Simsimi will say no network connection, in which case I know I have to stop chatting.

So this afternoon I wanted to show Simsimi to my friends. When I had it installed and got it going, it started chatting with me. My friend Abby and I were really suprised because the first question it asked me was, "are you a friend of Keith's?". I thought that was very random, I was in complete disbelief! And even if I knew it was just a coincidence, it gave me so much happiness. I took it as if it was a message from heaven.

I just chatted with it again now and here is what we've talked about:

Me: Miss ko na si Keith 
Simsimi: Miss na miss ka na din niya sobra...tawagan mo agad para matuwa naman siya...ayiee 
Me: Nasa heaven na kaya siya
Simsimi: Hindi nasa puso mo na siya. :)


Simsimi definitely brightened up my day today. I hope you liked my little story and I hope it made you smile, too.


I still miss you lots though. I love you.

Mommy Tintin

The Truth Is....

... I was in denial and I still am. I regret telling you about Dengue last night. It did not only make me miss you even more, but it also brought back my doubts and uncertainties on a lot of things. I have not told anyone about this before and I am not even sure if I should be telling you about it either. But I think I need to somehow open up a little bit more. I am hoping that this will help me accept everything that happened a little bit easier.

I really don't know where to begin. Honestly I am not very comfortable writing this to you right now. My heart feels really heavy. Anak, the truth is I am not fully convinced that it was Dengue that took you away from us. Although I would like to believe that God really made His way to take you back, I still want to find out the real cause of your passing. I know that the truth is just between you and Father God. That's why I am asking you to please tell us about it, in any way you want it. It doesn't have to be through me. You can tell anyone you are comfortable with, for as long as someone will know. I just want to know the truth. I am so sorry anak if I am just telling you about this now. It took a lot of courage for me to even start writing this, but  I can no longer keep it to myself.

When Inang showed me your Angel certificate, Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever was the cause of your passing. Although I wanted to investigate further, I was so confused and hurt to even want to hear anything. So I never found out the truth, if Dengue was not it. Only you and Father God really know.

Inang also showed me all the tests that they did to you when you were at the hospital. I didn't look at it thoroughly though. I was afraid that I might see something that will hurt me even more. I hope that I will not have to look at it ever again. But you'll never know.

I don't want to blame anyone because I know that they all tried their best to keep you with us. As much as it hurts, I really want to accept that God has taken you away with a purpose. But until I find out what that purpose is, I will not stop asking why.

You were constantly in my mind today. I kept finding myself making a face - a face of regret more than anything else. I miss everything about you. I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss seeing you on skype. I miss having you in my life. I miss you.

Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

Mommy Tintin

Walang Hanggan - Dengue Awareness

I was watching a teleserye earlier entitled "Walang Hanggan". I don't know if I should have watched it. But  I wanted to find out if I could bear the "truth".

Basically, the lead star in the soap was inflicted with Dengue virus. Although I was not there when you were at the hospital, I could clearly imagine what you went through. Everything came rushing into my head. I don't think I was watching anymore. It was you I could see. But I realized I have to be strong,  so I didn't have the choice but to just keep on watching and just basically suck  it up. The girl started having nosebleed. Her platelet has dropped and she needed blood transfusion. The doctor asked for blood donors, but the person who could possibly donate blood straight away didn't match with her blood type. Kind of what happened when Tito JL volunteered to give you blood, but they found out that his blood type was different from yours. I almost choked  watching the scene. I was not sure if I could carry on. To me it seemed real because I had you in mind. 

I know Dengue can be fatal but I never thought that it could happen to you at all. The likelihood of someone dying from Dengue according to World Health Organization (WHO) is 1% if properly treated. I would like to believe that you were given the right treatment, but I am not sure if it was given at the right time. It doesn't really matter to me now, but I just don't want it to happen to any child anymore. Dengue is a treatable disease and no one should ever die from it. I know I am not in the right position to say or do anything, but what happened to you inspired me to learn more about the disease. Although I have heard that children from the Philippines have died from it in the past, I thought it was just one off because of the epidemic. But I was wrong. Now I know that any child can die from it anytime. It's sad, but it is true.

I don't know what I can do at the moment. But I want to leave this information I found from the WHO website for people to be aware of:

ALWAYS REMEMBER

      Dengue is a serious viral disease transmitted by the bite of the mosquito;

      Dengue infection occurs in two forms: Dengue fever and Dengue Haemorrhagic Fever;

      Dengue fever is a severe flu like illness that affects older children and adults but rarely causes death;

      Dengue haemorrhagic fever (DHF) is a more severe form, in which bleeding and occasionally shock occur, leading to death, mostly in children;

      Persons suspected of having dengue fever or DHF must see a doctor at once. Dengue haemorrhagic fever is a deadly disease and early recognition and treatment can save lives. Unless proper treatment is given promptly, the patient may go into shock and die.

      Severe abdominal pains (black stools), bleeding on the skin or from the nose or gums, sweating, cold skin are danger signs. If any one of them is noticed  take the patient to a hospital immediately. Give fluids to drink during transfer to the hospital;

      Give nutritious food and fluids to drink to the patients;

      Dengue mosquitoes bite during the day;

      The patient should be kept under a mosquito net or in a screened room during the period of illness;

      Screen your rooms against mosquitoes or use mosquito nets or use mosquito repellent;

      Discard objects in which water collects, e.g. tins, cans, coconut shells, etc. Do not allow water to collect in pits around your houses. All stored water containers should be covered all the time. This will prevent breeding of Dengue mosquitoes, and

      Doctors and health workers treating cases of dengue fever should also notify the health authorities.

For more information, please visit:

http://www.searo.who.int/en/Section10/Section332/Section1631.htm

As you are an Angel now, please help other children out there who are suffering from Dengue right now. Help them recover fully. And tell Father God to guide them all the way.

I wish one day I can do something to help. 

I miss you anak. Love lots from Mommy.

Mommy Tintin