We're safely home

The good news is, we were able to run the 16k race, but I will tell you all about it soon. Daddy and I came home quite late as we were delayed for more than an hour. 

We are both very tired and hungry. :( I am just going to sort out our photos and then I will go to bed as well.

Thank you for being wit us today anak and for praying for us. I know God was keeping an eye on us. There were quite a few instances when I knew you were there with me. 

I miss you so much and I love you.

Mommy Tintin

I am sad

I may not be able to run for you and Jacob tomorrow because we were not able to retrieve our bib. We basically ran out of time. I don't know what to do and I am bit gutted by the thought of it. Anyway anak, I am only in an apple store writing to you so I won't be able to write that long. Besides I am using a French keyboard and it's taking me forever to type.

We have been to Lolo Monet's garden and I will tell you all about it tomorrow or Monday. For now, I have to go and find something to eat as we have not eaten all day.

Please know that I love you so much. I am missing you and I wish you were here.

Please pray that we will be able to run tomorrow.

Mommy Tintin

We're off to Paris

I have printed all the papers that we need and I am almost done with packing. Daddy is hopefully on his way home from work so he can also sort his stuff out. Anyway, I am so excited, at the same sad that I'll be visiting Monet's garden. Because you know, it was meant to be my surprise graduation gift for you next year. But never mind, I know you will be with me tomorrow. At least now, you won't need a visa to come with me. :)

I am looking forward to finally seeing Monet's water lillies in person. I am not sure if I want to share your version of it here, though. What do you think? I know you didn't want to paint exactly the same painting, hence the single lily. I am planning to write a different blog on your paintings so I shall see after tomorrow. For now, here's your Lolo's water lillies:

I found this photo on google. I don't know where it came from so I am not sure who to credit it to. But whoever owns this photo, thank you.

I shall be thinking about you when I visit his garden tomorrow anak. I'm sure meow will enjoy it too.

Ah, how I wish you were here. It would have been more meaningful. I love you my baby. Mommy misses you so much. Kisses for you.

Mommy Tintin

Mommy's new job

I thought I'd tell you about my new job. I started almost a month ago now and I think things are going well. The only problem I have is the time. I now work 8-4 Monday to Friday and I am struggling because I have been so used to working three longs days a week and having the rest of the week off. This is the reason why recently, I have been feeling really tired and I basically don't have the energy to do anything at home anymore. I am jealous of those who prefers this shift. Ijust can't get my head round to doing things after work. I get home after 5 and by that time, I feel really tired already so that means I won't be able to do any household chores which then will stress me out. Ah, I know it will be better soon. But apart from that, I am happy where I am now. There's not a lot of pressure at the moment because our role is new and there are no high expectations.

So far, everyone that I've met is very friendly and helpful. This is probably why this hospital is one if not the best hospitals in England. I haven't not seen a nurse or anybody taking out their frustrations at other people. They seem to be always smiling. So  I actually feel lighter in this working environment.

Surprisingly, no one has asked me if I had a child. They assume that I am still young and not married. This is good I guess. It keeps me away from talking about losing you. I don't know these people very well yet and I don't think I am ready to let them in in my life as yet.

I am getting used to sleeping with Meow now. I am kind of scared that if I stop doing this that I may go back to having bad dreams. I even wake up sometimes looking for her if I realize that I am no longer holding her. Meow gives me comfort, as she did to you perhaps. How I wish you were it. :)

Well my boy, I hope you're having a good time up there. We are leaving for Paris tomorrow night so please watch over us and tell Papa Jesus to keep us safe. I will write to you before we leave. I can't wait to see Lolo Monet's garden and tell you all about it.

Missing you loads baby boy. I love you ha.

Mommy Tintin

I think we're ready

Well, I finally had my t-shirt done today so I guess we are ready for the run on Sunday. I just need a new pair of running shoes as the one I have now is really not the right shoes. I'm not sure if I'll have anymore time but I will try to buy tomorrow.

As always, thank you for inspiring me to do all these things. And please pray for me and Daddy okay anak? 

I'm sure you're okay over there. By the way, my friends said that there must have been a bowling tournament in heaven the other night because the "kulog" was so loud. I told her that maybe the angels are playing and they were chasing each other. I don't know why I thought that. But I'm sure you're allowed to play in heaven, right? I just wish I know what you're up to in heaven. But you can visit me and tell me all about it. I'll wait until you're ready.

I love and miss you so much my Pochongchong.

Mommy Tintin

A poem for you on a Tuesday

I think about you everyday. I love you and I always will.

Mommy Tintin

Ready for another challenge

Today I finally got my medical certificate. It means that apart from running another set of 16k, I am more or less ready for the Paris to Versailles run. See anak, I probably wouldn't be doing anything like this if not for you. You inspired me so much in believing that you could do anything. So now I am almost always ready to take any challenge. So far I have done quite a few, from running 10k to changing jobs after so many years, to actually staying as positive as I can with what happened to you. The latter remains a work in progress, but as you have said, "Kaya ko po, Ako pa". I am sure we will all get through this at some point.

The run will be on Sunday and I know this will be an exciting one as it is in Paris. This will be my first time to run internationally. And also, we will be visiting Lolo Monet's garden in Giverny. I am quite sad as I should really be with you when I visit the place. But don't worry, I will be bringing Meow with me. And of course, you will be there in spirit too. I'm sure you will cheering for me, Daddy and Meow.

In the other news, I was looking at the photos of Mama's birthday and their charity event. Looks like everyone had so much. How I wish you were there too because I am sure you would have enjoyed giving away gifts to the children and playing with them. But I am sure you are already having fun playing with other angels up there.

By the way, I have now finished ready the book I told you about few days ago. I will write to you about it next time as I need to prepare for my run with Daddy. Please watch over us as we take this challenge. I know you will. You can invite all your angel friends and even Papa Jesus to watch us run. I hope I will make you proud as you have made me.

Well anak, how many times do I have to tell that I am missing you? I always wish you were here. Please don't forget, I love you okay?

Mommy Tintin

News from Home

Nothing much really. It's only because I have finally spoken to them properly on skype after three weeks or so. Ading Cxyrelle was not in the mood to speak to me, so I spoke only to Ading Lye. He told me how much he enjoyed swimming on Mama's birthday. And also when they went to hand out food for the Aetas, he apparently played with them too. He told me that next time, he would give your old toys to the children over there. I am really glad that your Adings and of course you, have these things in mind already. Maybe when I go home next year, we would do some charity work. Good idea, isn't it?

Well, Inang was telling me about the priest's sermon this morning. However, she couldn't remember anything because you know why? The sermon was about a young boy who was very kind and generally a good boy, who had an angelic face and who went to heaven. Of course, that alone reminded Inang of you, our angel. And so Inang started crying and forgot all about the priest's sermon. I was so interested to know what the sermon was all about but Inang couldn't tell me anymore than that. It's a shame really because maybe it would have been something that would make us all better. So instead, I told Inang to speak to the priest and ask for a copy of his sermon. I just hope that Inang will do it.

Anyway, thank you for praying for me. Remember last night when I was running? I had this bad stitch and I whispered to you to tell Father God to take the pain away? Yes, it disappeared after a few minutes unlike the last time when the pain remained until I finished my 8k run. Maybe because at that time, I didn't ask you to pray for me. So anyway, I managed to run 16k last night in preparation for our run in Paris. Please continue to guide me and Daddy as we will be running in your memory to help save Baby Jacob's life.

Oh before I forget, ading Linus was telling me that he smells like you now. Remember when we used to tease him for that taking the shower properly before? Well, you must be really proud now that Ading has finally followed your footsteps and spends longer time in the shower. 

Your Adings may not say it very often but I know that they are missing you. In fact they have been sleeping in your bed with Inang. Apparently, they have made arrangements to sleep there on alternate weeks, but seems like Ading Linus has been sleeping there longer than he should be, that's why Ading Cxyrelle is not very happy. Haha.

Well, our angel up in heaven, we are terribly missing you. How I wish we can laugh with you again one day. We love you very much and I promise that we will continue to do things to remember you.

Mommy Tintin

Mama's Birthday

I have spoken to Mama today and she told me that she had fun on her birthday. As I said to you yesterday, they had a picnic at your friend's resort. Inang didn't want to go, so she stayed at home. 

Your Adings had so much fun according to Mama. They were only supposed to be there until 3pm, but they were having so much fin so they stayed until almost 7pm. Tatang was not very happy. The first time I called, they haven't arrived. You know how Tatang is like whenever someone doesn't get home on time. He was really worried about Mama and your Adings. But they got home eventually and all was fine. Tito JL was there too when I called. They were watching the television in your room. I actually feel happy that Tito always goes to the house to play with Ading Linus. Ading Cyrelle was already asleep. Maybe she was tired.

Well, since Tatang fell over, he has been going home early and hasn't been drinking. So perhaps that incident kind of woke him up a bit. I just hope that he doesn't go back to drinking again.

Seems like Mama had a good birthday. Tomorrow they will go back to Tiktik to give out some gifts to kids over there. I am not quite sure what exactly that is all about.

Anyway, how is it up there? I am sure you prayed for Mama today. I am missing you so much already. How I wish I can speak to you soon, even just for a minute or two. I have been sleeping with Meow for the last three nights and I have not been having a bad dream.

I have to go and run for Daddy and I have signed up to run the 16k in Paris. Please pray for me that I will be able to finish it for you and baby Jacob.

I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Almost Mama's Birthday

Tomorrow is Mama's first birthday without you. She wasn't planning anything because you are not here any more and I don't think Mama is ready for any celebration yet. However, Pastor offered to host a picnic for Mama's birthday so she doesn't feel as bad without you around. So I think tomorrow, they will have lunch at Joseph's resort. I don't know what else she had planned. I haven't even called her yet because it's quite early and your Adings may still be asleep, so I will call a little bit later.

I'm sure you will be with Mama tomorrow in whichever way you can. She will really appreciate it if you visit her. That will definitely make her day. 

While me, I still can't write to you properly as I am  quite struggling at the moment. I told you yesterday that I am always tired. I hope this is just related to the change in my schedule and nothing else.

Well, I will call Mama later and will let you know tomorrow what they did on her birthday.

I love you loads. Missing you much.

Mommy Tintin

You were there for me

And I know you were.

As much as I would like to write more tonight, I can't as I am so tired anak. I feel so exhausted. I am not sure why but these past few days, I have been feeling really tired. Maybe it's the change in my shift pattern at work. My body is no longer used to waking up the same five days a week. I don't really know.

So Mommy will rest now anak and I will write to you tomorrow, okay? Please remember that I think a lot about you and I love you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Something to make you smile...or maybe not

I am not sure if we really meant to laugh about it or feel sorry about the whole thing. But you know very well how Tatang is like when he is drunk. As far as I know, these are those times when you wished you didn't live with him. And I know for a fact that you didn't like Tatang the most when he was drunk. I for one don't understand what pushed him to drink like the way he does these days. He never used to be like that. The only reason that I could think of is money. At the end of the day, it's all about the money, and it's my fault because I am not capable of giving him everything that he wants. And this is the reason why he is drinking a lot and this is also the same reason why he gets angry at everyone in the house. I only wish I had more money so I can give them everything they want. Perhaps when I die, they will be happier because then they will get the money from my life insurance.I thought he would change after you left, but he seems worse. I am losing hope in trying to make him change for the better. Actually I have completely given up. Papa and I have spoken to him numerous times, but seems like everything we tell him only goes out in the other ear. I would like to think that he is an alcoholic, but I don't think he is. Sometimes I want to blame the people who invite him to drink. But then at the end of the day, Tatang is an adult so he should know when to say no really. I don't know what else to do. This situation in the house is definitely not helping anyone of us cope with your passing. If anything it's just making it worse. I don't even know where or whom I am drawing my strength nowadays. All I know is that I started reading the Bible hoping and praying that somehow it will help me get through everything. 

Anyway, here's the story. Mama wanted me to hear it from your Adings but Papa has told me all about it. I know this is not something that anyone of us should be proud of, but I am hoping that someone who knows Tatang will read my letter to you and will tell him about it so he would be ashamed of himself and hopefully change for the better. So, he was drunk last night. And after someone has already taken him home, he went back to the farm and on his way, fell in the manhole. Lola Josie saw what happened and because he was there face down for a while, Lola Josie panicked and she ran into our house screaming. Obviously, everyone in the neighbourhood heard her scream and everyone went out thinking that something really, really bad happened to Tatang. It turned out that he was "quite" fine in the end. They managed to  help him get out of the hole and walked him home. He had blood on his face apparently but no one wanted to go near him because he was angry and swearing so they left him for now. I really don't know what to say. I just hope that he will be okay. This is as shameful as it can be. I don't know why Tatang turned out this way, just as when Papa and I are both grown-ups and are able to stand on our own feet and just as when he has grandchildren. 

Tatang and Inang brought up Papa and I really well. He should really be proud of us, and we should be proud of him too. But with what he's doing now, I can't even think of anything to say. He has always told us to protect our dignity and not to do anything that will put our family into shame, but look what he's doing now! It breaks my heart whenever I hear stories like this because this is not the family I grew up with. I don't know what went wrong. I just don't get it.

I am so sorry anak for telling you all about this. I shouldn't really be bothering you about my problems anymore. But I know you're always there to listen and writing to you actually makes me feel better. I just wish things are the way they used to be. I just want you to please pray for Tatang. I love you very much anak and I am missing you very much.

Mommy Tintin

If there was a better way

It's almost 8 months since you left and sometimes we still have it really hard to come to terms with your passing. I know a lot of times now we are able to move on and carry on things that we are supposed to be doing. But what people don't know is that deep in our hearts, we are not "there" yet. We may be able to do mundane stuff, but that's not all about it. Every night before I go to bed, I think of you. I do the same thing when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes in my sleep, I wanted to see you and speak to you, but instead I get bad dreams. I come to a point where I no longer want to sleep because I don't want to dream anymore, except about you of course. Have I told you that before you were taken away, I dreamt that someone was playing violin in our house and that there were a lot of people watching? I didn't realize the significance of that until you actually left. I don't think I even told anybody about that dream. Whenever I get dreams like that, I would normally share it to Mama or Inang just to counteract the possible effect of that dream. But my friend told me to just wake up after a bad dream and pray to God, which I do now. I am just hoping that God hears me though.

I am writing about this today because when I was walking home, I read a message from one of my friends who told me that one can't have everything. Perhaps we couldn't have you in our case. But if people only knew....

Another reason why I am telling you this is because Mama is not doing well. She is not sleeping at all. Well she does sleep but only 4 hours on average. And then her blood pressure shoots up. I feel so helpless that I don't know how to help her. I am too far away to even doing anything. I send her messages everyday just to make sure they're okay, but I don't think that's enough for me to be left assured that things will be okay. I really don't know what to do. If only there was a better way to deal with our loss, then we won't have to go through all this mind-torturing situation.

I know it will get better eventually but knowing that someone in our family is suffering doesn't make it better for anybody. 

I don't know anak. I know you can help us somehow. I just want you to watch over Mama, Papa, Inang, Tatang and your Adings. I think I will be okay. I am actually stronger than I thought. So don't worry too much about me.

Don't forget that Mommy loves you so much. I am missing you loads and loads. I just wish I can hug you tight and tell you how much I am missing you.

Mommy Tintin

My Angel

I finally found the photo that Inang was telling me about. It was the one taken on your first communion. Papa has it as his profile picture on facebook and whenever I look at it, I feel a little weird. There is something in that photo that I can't explain. But one thing is for sure, you look really happy in that photo and you're handsome as always. With your hands in a prayer position, you just need wings and you will truly look like an angel.

Right now looking at this photo, I want to pinch your cheeks just like the old times. I am  missing you so much. Please guide us little angel and always pray for us. We love you very much and you will forever be in our hearts. You are deeply missed beautiful angel.

Mommy Tintin

Yeah, it's September

I have totally forgotten our family routine as soon as September comes. By this time, Inang would have put the Christmas tree up and Mama and you guys would have hung the lanterns. Inang would normally start playing Christmas songs on the first of September to mark the "ber" months. But this time, it's completely different. I for one didn't even thought about this tradition anymore and even Mama I guess. I used to ring Inang to ask her if the Christmas lights were on. And then today, I read Mama's post on facebook about not being excited for Christmas. I completely understand why. I haven't even thought about Christmas yet. I know it's just around the corner, but it is no longer as significant to me as when you were still here.

One thing that really hurts is when your Adings apparently told Mama that they shouldn't be celebrating Christmas at home. Instead they want to celebrate Christmas at your house on earth. Your Adings, especially Ading Linus wants to light up firecrackers with you, because that was one thing that you really enjoyed doing together. It sounds like he's not scared of the dark, right? 

I don't really know how we're going to spend Christmas this year. Well, in England you don't really feel the spirit of Christmas, but back home? I'm sure it's going to be difficult.

Hayyy, it's really hard not to think about you baby. At times, it still feels surreal. I don't know but I just wish things would have been different. I am missing you so much and I love you more than ever before. I am sure you know that.

Mommy Tintin

Your perfume

I went to a perfume shop today just to check what's in and my trip to that store reminded me of your favourite perfume, "Cool Water" by Davidoff. I know you got this from your Papa as this is his all time favourite too. So when I went home in January, I bought the biggest bottle for you. Not that you would still be able to wear it, but I couldn't go home without buying anything for you because I am so used to buying gifts for three children. It was so hard for me to buy something for you, knowing that you wouldn't be able to hold it, smell it and thank me for it. But I know I had to do it. I used to be so happy to see your face whenever I gave you anything. You seemed to have appreciated every little thing that I have given you, whether it was expensive or not. You were just all smiles and I will definitely miss that now.

Anyway, I have given the perfume to your Ading Linus. I am sure he will use it as he likes everything that you liked. And at the moment I am thinking of something to give your best friend Aga when he graduates from grade school. I know I have given him a t-shirt that was exactly like yours before. But this time I want to give him something that will always remind him of you. That's when I thought I'd give him a perfume. What do you think about that? I think that would be a good gift.

Well, why am I missing you so much. I keep seeing your face in my mind. I just want to hug and kiss you again. Please visit me soon baby. 

I love you.

Mommy Tintin

Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars

For some reason today when I got home I went on youtube looking for Bruno Mars's new song (if there was any), but I couldn't find anything. Instead, I found this song in his old album, "Talking to the Moon". There isn't even an official video, just covers mostly and videos made by amateur directors maybe. But I still like the song and the lyrics of course. 

Sometimes I find myself talking to the stars, not the moon but perhaps it's the same, right? Most of the time I end up talking to you though because I know you're just out there. And yes, I have been writing to you for the last 200 plus days. People probably think that I am crazy for doing this, but hey this is my way of communicating to an angel. Yes I can easily talk to you in silence, meaning in my thoughts but I want to be able to remember what I have told you even when I am very old. For this reason, I try really hard to write to you everyday. You see, I want to go back to everything that I have written in here and be able to reflect on what I went through when you left and most importantly, how I got through it. Hence, my letters to Keith Ashley. :)

Going back to Bruno Mars though. I am not sure if he has any new song out. Honestly, since you left, I have only been listening to your favourite songs, so I don't really have any idea what new songs are out there now. I just wanted to update you because I know that you probably don't listen or sing to earthly songs anymore because angels only sing "Songs of Praise", right? I kind of thought about this because I am reading a book at the moment. I will tell you all about it as soon as I finish reading it. Basically it's about a man who went to heaven for 90 minutes then came back to earth. And he said that he heard angels singing "songs of praise" so I thought maybe it's true. This is the reason why I am looking  for Bruno's new songs so I can share it with you, but I didn't find any. But don't worry, as soon as I find one I will let you know.

So, here's Bruno singing Talking to the Moon:

Did you notice anything familiar to you? I bet you did - the moon and the stars, right? Ha, I wish you were here so you could have drawn more of the stars, the sun and the moon. But never mind because I know that you're no longer too far away from the things that you loved the most.

You know I miss you, right? I love you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Some good news

Well, I am very happy that Ading Cxyrelle is 100% better now. This means that we can all have the peace of mind that we needed. I can now finally sleep better as I have not been able to sleep well since Ading got sick. Mama told me that Pastor and their friends from the church went to our house today and prayed over Ading. I hope Papa Jesus hears our prayers, so neither of your Adings will get sick again.

Ading Linus on the other hand is the fourth honour in his class. You probably didn't expect that, did you? I don't think your Adings study that hard. Cxyrelle for instance thinks a lot of times that she is not being taught correctly by her teachers and that she follows what she thinks is right. She is very difficult to teach because she teaches her teachers back. I don't know where she got that from because I don't think any of us were like that when we were at her age. Haha. Then she complains that her classmates who don't right as much as she does are the ones who get higher marks on their exam. She probably doesn't realize that she actually doesn't study hard enough before the exams. But she is a good writer. I just hope that she keeps it that way until she grows up. She actually read a what seemed like an apology letter to me. It was for Mama and she was apologizing to her for being naughty. And mind you, it was written in English. I bet you're smiling up there when you read this. So I told Mama to ask Ading to write a short story and then I will buy her a hello kitty stuffed toy. I don't know if she will, but I will tell her again when I speak to her.

I forgot to tell you that Tito JL went to Hongkong with Daddy. I am so sorry I was not able to take you there. I know you also wanted to go. Anyway, he's back home now and he bought your Adings some keychain. Apparently you were fond of keychains when you were still around, so your Adings really liked their gift. See, your Adings like everything that you liked just because you liked them. Sometimes even if they probably don't like something, they are forced to like it because of you. I think that is sweet, in that way they will not forget you.

I haven't spoken to Aga for a few days now, probably because it's school days. I am hoping to speak to him over the weekend.

Well, please extend my thanks to Papa Jesus for helping Ading get better. And please tell Him that I have started reading the Bible again. I will try and read it everyday. I can't promise this, but I will try my best. I started from Genesis, and I am now in Chapter 10 (I think). I know you are happy that I am doing this too. I'll do anything to make you happy and to spare your Adings from getting sick. I guess the least I can do is to draw myself closer to God.

Got to go baby. Please don't forget that Mommy loves you so much. I miss you night and day.

Mommy Tintin

Something for you

I finally received my friend's painting for your birthday. Remember I asked my friends to do at least one of the 10 things on my list to do to remember you on your birthday? It is really thoughtful of her to paint a candle for you. I know this friend of mine is talented just like you, but I didn't know that she could paint. I am not sure if she ever painted before, but if she hasn't then she's  good and I am impressed.

The colours are obviously brighter than this. Don't you think it's beautiful? I am really happy that people actually participated in my campaign to remember you on your birthday.

Here's the message on the back of the painting:

Perhaps you can say thank you to my friend and to everyone who did something for your first angelversary.

Thank you for inspiring people anak ko. You have no idea how proud I am to be your Mommy. 

I love and miss you so much.

Mommy Tintin

Don't know what to say

I don't exactly know how I feel. I have been very anxious since I found out that Ading Cxyrelle is having another bout of fever after her episode of tonsillitis. I am very worried although I know that this is not something serious. She has a cough and cold and the fever may be due to a brewing chest infection. And even if this is probably what's causing her fever, I can't help  but be in a panic mode, after everything  that has happened to you. 

I keep asking why  do we still have to go through this situation again when God knows how much it hurt us when He took you. Why can't be someone else this time? Those who don't know how to love and care for their children so they will learn  a lesson or two? I mean, haven't we had our share yet? As much as I no longer want to question God, I can't help it. Whenever I hear that either of your Adings is not well, I panic. Seems like everything in me comes into a halt. I feel like my system is about to shut down. I feel pain all over, my mood changes and I get this annoying difficulty in breathing and palpitations. Does God really want to see me like this? I know I haven't prayed that hard since you left, because I can't -yet. I don't even know how to start any more. Because although I didn't pray every night before you left, I tried whenever I can. And I prayed for you, for everyone in our family, but then they still took you away. Yes, I know there is a reason for all this. Maybe you really were not meant to be on earth. You were too good to be here. But still....

So here I am typing away whatever comes to my mind. I am thinking about Ading Cxyrelle. I phoned earlier on and Inang said that her fever has gone down a bit. In fact even yesterday with a fever of 38 degrees, she was still playing. So I shouldn't really be worrying about anything. But can anyone blame me for overreacting? I don't think so.

I told Mama to take Ading to the doctor straight away but Ading didn't want to go. They did in the end but the doctors were at a seminar, so they went home instead. I was a little bit disappointed, but it's probably beyond anyone's control. If they all had to go to a seminar, then they had to go. I just told Mama to bring Ading to the hospital if her condition gets worse. And just the mere thought of Ading being in the hospital really kills me.

Anak, please ask Father God to make Ading better. I know she doesn't like being sick because she's a very active girl. Please watch over her and help her recover soon. 

I will call again in few minutes just to check on her. Please know that I love you so much. I am missing you terribly especially in times like this.

Please ask Father God to forgive me if I may have said something that's not right. Thank you baby.

Mommy Tintin

Guess what?

Mama thinks she saw you last night. You know that she has been waiting for this moment, right?

I was about to go to sleep when I received a text from her. This is what she told me, " Nakita ko si Keith kagabi. Kaninang madaling araw sa mukha ni Linus. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali dahil kilala ko an mga anak ko. Siya yun. Hay naku sana gabi-gabi niya ako puntahan." (I saw Keith last night, in Linus's face.I can't be wrong because I know my children. It was him.I hope he visits me every night.) And because I couldn't really understand what she meant by seeing you in Ading's face, I had to call her and she explained to me why she thinks she saw you.

Apparently she woke up around two am. When she opened her eyes there was a face in front of him and it looked exactly like you, chubby. At first she thought she was just dreaming, but she took a second look and it was definitely you. She was going to ask Ading to turn over but she didn't want to wake him up. She was very sure about it because Ading's face is first of all small. I'm pretty sure you visited her. It's her birthday soon.

One thing that really made me feel better was when Mama said that whenever something like that happens, she remembers some of the events that took place when you were at the hospital. Until recently she really doesn't talk about it that much because she said she can't recall anything. And she said that it's not easier for her to talk about what happened and it's not as heavy anymore. Perhaps anak you need to visit Mama more often to reassure her that you're okay wherever you are. I know she believes that you're in heaven, but sometimes we still need to be reassured.

How I wish you pay me a visit soon too. I am missing you so much my angel. Mommy loves you.

Mommy Tintin

My Sunday poem for you

Hope you like it.

I miss you so much my Angel.

I love you.

Mommy Tintin

photo from Grieving Mothers.

You're an inspiration

...to your bestfriend and your Ading.

Aga has been constantly in touch with me recently and he has been updating me with what's going on in his life- well kind of. This morning, he sent me a message saying that he's the second honour in his class. I was actually surprised because remember, when he was at your school he was not in the honour roll? Then all of a sudden he transferred and there he goes, to two in the class. And you know what he said that really, really surprised me? He said, "Inspirasyon ko po kasi si Keith, gusto ko po siyang mapasya" (Because Keith is my inspiration and I want to make him happy). Honestly, I was already half-asleep when we were chatting. But when I read this, I was fully awake all of a sudden. I was not expecting to hear that from him. Aga is really sweet. I really appreciate that he strives to do better at school because of you, and I am also so proud of you because you give inspiration to others.

Meanwhile, I was talking to Ading Lye this morning on skype. I congratulated him for winning second place at their recent poster making contest. However, he didn't make it on journalism, so I told him to try again next time. I was curious why Ading suddenly wanted to join in this kind of things. As usual he said nothing. But he said he wanted to do whatever you did before. But I can't seem to convince him to go back to Casa and play the violin. For some reason, I feel that something is holding him back. Perhaps he still has the same reason that it's not going to be the same because you are no longer here. But I am still hoping that he will change his mind so he can continue playing the violin.

Well, I am so proud of you not so little angel for inspiring them. And I hope other kids will also be inspired by you.

I miss you Pochongchong. I love you okay?

Mommy Tintin

That Drug and My new friend

I just remembered the sheet that Inang showed me. You were prescribed Nurofen despite the fact that you were already passing blood in your stool, is that right? Well we really can't do anything about it now, but I just suddenly thought about it. One day when I am ready, I would like to speak to your attending physician at that time. I just need to clarify some things. Don't worry anak, it's not what you think. I know you don't like conflicts and stuff, so nothing to worry about. I just need some clarifications.

In the other news, I met this lovely lady on Tuesday while I was on training and ever since we have been chatting everyday. I am so pleased to tell you that she is also into arts. She can draw and paint. She is also into music, but she doesn't play any instrument. She said she has tried, but did not succeed. We exchanged stories and I told her about you. She was very interested and was quite amazed by what I was telling her. I can't wait to see her art works. I told her I would show your paintings to her the next time I see her.

It's almost midnight here. I gotta go to sleep baby as I had a long week and I need some rest. Please remember that Mommy loves you so much, okay? I miss you.

Mommy Tintin

Blood Transfusion

See I told you, wherever I go and whatever I do there is always something that reminds me of you. Although the memory is not always good, at least I know that somehow, I am beginning to fully accept what happened to you.

One of our topics today at my training was blood transfusion. I know that you needed transfusion when you were at the hospital because your platelet dropped and you bled. My conversation with Mama on that day she told me that you needed blood and platelets remains very clear in my mind. It was Friday morning Philippine time when she told me you needed to be transfused but there was no blood available in the hospital, not even in the big hospital across the road. Tatang had to go to Olongapo to buy some. That means, he had to travel at least 3 hours in order to get the blood. Meanwhile, Inang was busy looking for anyone who could donate blood so they can just directly transfuse you. However, everyone who volunteered either was malourished or not that healthy or tired. You were type O. You had the same blood type as Mama, but she has been looking after you so she was tired and therefore not fit enough to donate blood. However, Tito JL WAS a tyoe O too, so their hopes was very high. But when they did a crossmatch at the hospital, he turned out to be type AB or something like that, definitely not an O. He was very surprised because the last time he had it checked, he was an O. I don't know what went wrong. I am not sure if there was a mistake and even if I knew, I didn't know where.

Then the nurse apparently informed them that there was a blood available, but reserved for the patient next door to you. And because the patient didn't need it yet, they let you use it. When they finally started the blood, I called Mama every half an hour to make sure that there was no problem. I instructed her to keep an eye of any signs of reaction to the blood. She said you were tolerating the blood very well and that you were okay. You didn't have any fever anymore, nor difficulty in breathing. I was reassured by that. After few hours, she told you were turning pink and that you were doing better. But then when I called again, Mama said that you were short of breath. I was very worried because I knew that you either probably had a delayed reaction to the blood, or overloaded. So I told her to tell the doctor to check on you and administer diuretics as needed. I think she did tell them. But that was it.

Ah, things are coming back to me now and they're very painful memories. As much as I don't want to talk about it, I guess I have to because at the end of the day, we have to face the truth. At least I don't feel as bad when I talk about these things anymore. Unlike before when I used to cry whenever I think about what might have happened to you at the hospital.

I so miss you so much Balong. I know you're happy up there. But please let me dream about you. I just want to kiss and hug you and tell you how much I love you.

Mommy Tintin

CPR

I attended a Basic Life Support training today and oh boy, my mind was constantly wandering. When they were doing a demo on CPR, I couldn't concentrate because I was thinking about you. You know when I called the day you left, Tito Junjun told me that they brought you upstairs. In an instant, I already knew that something was wrong. I don't think I will be able to tell you everything at the moment because just the thought really breaks my heart. I am trying to fight my imagination because it is not helping me at all. 

But anyway, I am writing to you about CPR today because I have questions. I am not sure if they did that on you. Maybe they did. Yes of course they did, silly me. Mama said she never saw you suffer. She never saw you in pain. So does this mean that when they took you upstairs you didn't show anything that would let them think you were leaving that day? I can really imagine what happened, but I don't want to. It's drifting in and out of my mind. But I remember Inang showing me a receipt of everything that they have given to you and used on you - from cotton balls to medications and tests. And there was adrenaline on the list as far as I can remember. I didn't want to read all of it because I just couldn't. It was too much to take. I really can't imagine my baby being resuscitated. But I know that's the truth. I have resuscitated a few babies and kids before when I was working at the District hospital. I felt very bad then, what more now that I know they did exactly the same thing to you?

Did they also intubate you and did they shock you? I have no idea what facilities do they have in that hospital. It's private and it's meant to be a good one so I am hoping that they did all these things. I know they have tried their best to save you, but perhaps that was really the end of your life on earth. But this really doesn't stop me from wanting to know what happened. I keep telling myself to speak to my friend who owns the hospital next time I go home because he was there when everything happened. But I am not sure if I would be ready by that time. I would really want to know. Maybe in due time.

There you go my angel. Mommy cried today because of this. But please know that this is quite normal for me. At least I don't cry all the time anymore.

I love you baby. I miss you loads.

Mommy Tintin

Did you visit Mama?

Mama told me the other day that you may have visited her because something exciting happened. Apparently, the television turned on suddenly and it was the MYX program playing. She said our TV doesn't have a timer and no one was in the living room at that time. Mama was very happy that she kept the TV on until they left for school. She told me that apart from Discovery Channel, you also loved MYX. That's just telling that you really loved music. Whatever that is, we still believe that you visited.

Meanwhile, Aga was going to take the exams for the National High School last week but I don't think he did. Perhaps it was moved to a different date. I reassured him that you would watch over him and that you will be with him when he takes the exam. Then he emailed me back saying that he will take the exams with you. You and Aga are lucky to have each other. Your bestfriend is really really sweet. I hope he doesn't change.

So, how is it up there? I bet you're playing with the other angels. I bet you have a pet too and I am hoping it's Christelle's pet. I am saying this because Colton, the boy I told you about yesterday, apparently saw a lot of animals in heaven. Or maybe you have found your grasshopper there. How I wish you can visit me soon and tell me what's going on up there. I would like to know what you've been up to.

You don't know how much I am missing you. I keep wishing you'd never left. I miss hearing your voice when I call home. Ahhh.... I love you anak.

Mommy Tintin

Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo

You know very well that I doubted a lot of things after you left -God, my faith, heaven, soul etc. Sometimes I try not to follow my heart because I know it's wrong to question God and not to trust Him. But the fact that you were taken away from us overrides whatever rational thoughts I have. My mind always reassures me that God loves me, but my heart says otherwise. Perhaps because the pain remains so strong. Eight months on and I am still looking for answers and things that hopefully will help me move on completely from your passing. Yes, maybe I can say I am now okay, but I know I can still do better. My holiday in New York kind of helped divert my attention,but not completely as I thought and talked about you a lot while I was there. But this time, I did well in holding back my tears. It hurts to recollect those moments when God decided to take you, but I guess I have learned how to gain composure whenever I am at the verge of breaking down in front of other people.

So, while Daddy and I were at JFK wandering inside a shop, my attention was caught by a book entitled "Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo". It was on the non-fiction shelf so I was sure it was a true story. I didn't buy the book then because I wanted it on my kindle, so I bought it as soon as I got home. Basically, it's a story of a 4 your year old boy who became very ill and traveled to heaven and back. I have heard similar stories before and believed them, but kind of lost that faith when you left. But reading the book made me reconsider things and reflect on my faith. Perhaps, there is really heaven. The way the boy described heaven, the angels, Jesus and other people who live there kind of relates to Inang's and Papa's dreams about you. He said that he sat on Jesus's lap, described everyone he saw as wearing white with sash and have wings, that there were a lot of children and that heaven is always bright (it never gets dark). He also mentioned that he saw his miscarried sister and his great grandad, both whom he obviously never met. It reminded of Auntie Joy's dream about you, accompanied by an old woman and a man. Now it kind of make sense. Maybe that was really Ina Lapaz and the man was Tito Ryan. Todd the author and Colton's Dad supported his story with verses from the Bible which made it more realistic. This made me realize that maybe I should read the Bible again in order to understand things better.

There was a part of the book when he said he saw his dad in a room praying to God and his Mom on the phone talking to people. Am I right to say that you also saw Mama, Uncle Junjun and Tito JL at the hospital while the doctors and the nurses were trying to save you? Did you actually hug Mama when you saw her crying uncontrollably because she knew she was losing you? And did you see me too? What did you do before you went up to heaven? Did you kiss us goodbye? How I wish  you can tell me the answers.

Somehow reading the book comforted me, because I can feel that the boy's story is real. I mean how can a four year old possibly invent such a detailed story, right? I still need a little more convincing that there is indeed heaven. I know you're there, but I am very confused at the moment that I don't know what to believe. For the meantime, I am going to live with the truth that a boy saw heaven and it's real.

http://heavenisforreal.net/book/

How I wish you just did what little Colton did- went to heaven for a bit then came back. :(

Whatever His reason is for taking you, I know it's good. Just want to say that I love you with all my heart and you never leave my mind. I always think about you and I miss you all the time. 

Mommy Tintin